Grace and Gumption

It's True

2010-01-22T10:31:00.002-06:00

It's true. I am coming back to the blog. It's going to be one of the things I'm looking most forward to after the "plight of January" is over. Plight = the 1 month where I've added a class and am still working 40 hours a week. But until then, just Go Outside!

I Might Be Back

2009-06-02T20:56:00.004-05:00

I might blog again soon. We'll see...

On My Mind

2008-10-07T23:06:00.004-05:00

I was about to go to sleep and something came to mind to blog about. It was one of these thoughts below. I can't really remember which thought I started with.

I thought I would be blogging more as of late. But the truth is, when I read a lot and talk a lot, I don't really want to write a lot. I think that could make a really strong case for how much I should or shouldn't talk, but part of my defense is that I'm trying to spend my words face to face instead of in gchats or emails or perhaps here where I would type things I wouldn't even say.

I know people have written about the effects email has on relationships in the ways we handle confrontation. The thought I had on Sunday night, which I was thinking about again tonight as I was about to go to sleep is how I am not that good at saying I'm sorry. That is a problem. I tend to avoid confrontation if I'm going to be wrong or have to say I'm sorry. Oops.

A final paper was turned in yesterday for my second grad school class. This one was integrating themes from our class Character, Community and Leadership. So I've spent the last few months looking as honestly as I can at those concepts in my life. In my paper I covered themes such as being and doing, belovedness, discipline, communion, and brokenness. Through it I've come to realize how NOT okay I am with my brokenness most of the time. Having trouble saying I'm sorry also means having trouble admitting I'm wrong which seems like something to ask the Lord to help with.

I emailed an apology to my roommate yesterday. Lame. What's going to happen when I'm in a relationship? Crap. Maybe the next person I date will think of my awkwardness with confrontation endearing? Doubtful, but then again, maybe I'll revert back to high school/early college when I thought confrontation was fun. That's probably not so endearing, but there was a time when arguing with one of my best friends in high school was recreation. He disagreed with me on so many fundamental things but we respected each other so much that it was actually really fun to hash out life issues. I think it was fun because somehow I never got my feelings hurt. He's an attorney now. I hope he can still argue without hurting people's feelings. That would be amazing.

But, somewhere I lost some of that ability to state my mind. I think it was when I heard that boys said I was intimidating. Yep, that had to be it. Bummer. I wasn't trying to be, I just hand thoughts about stuff and kept beating them in Student Council elections. (My slogan "Positively Powell" won me 5 elections. Oh the glory days of never needing a hall pass...)

By the way, I'm not equating leadership to confrontation or ability to argue...don't be confused)

I recently have had some clarity about women with leadership gifts thanks to some ideas the Lord was forming in me already, a professor, my mentor and a book by Nancy Beach. The most clarity was in the Nancy Beach book when she said that God putting leadership gifts in a little baby girl was not a mistake. He did not mix up the gift giving that day and accidentally put something in a little girl that was meant for a boy.

I know, that could sound like silliness to some, but to a girl with leadership gifts who has grown up in the church, just hearing someone say that can bring you to tears. It did. It does and it just might again.

I've gotten off track with my first thought of how important it is for me to be able to say I'm sorry...quickly and in person. This is part of the brokenness with which we all need to get comfortable. But it strikes me with profundity (I just felt like Erin there for a second) that we can't really get comfortable in our own brokenness without community. I think that our relationship with the Lord and our brokenness is one thing, but our relationship with community and brokenness is a big deal. A really big deal. A deal that hurts and frees and calls a spade a spade and realized we're all spades. If the other side of brokenness is healing then by holding back brokenness from each other, are we holding back healing? Wow, I've never thought of it like that! Could it be that we actually hold back huge amounts of the glory of God for the world to see by not being comfortable with our brokenness?

I think I can got sleep now.

Dude

2008-08-28T22:15:00.001-05:00

My roommate didn't realize she says "dude" a lot. The past 3 days she's said this multiple times: "I really didn't realize I say dude that much. I say dude all the time!"

We all have idiosyncrasies and mannerisms or perhaps habits that we simply don't realize because they are so a part of us. My dad for example, has been whistling How Great Thou Art everywhere he goes for at least the past 20 years. More than once in my childhood I located him in a Sam's Club by following the hymn. Endearing? Yes, of course. Habit? Absolutely since he's unaware he is serenading all within ear shot.

But beyond "dude" and whistling there is something that wonders how I'm perceived at a deeper level. Are there things people are noticing about me that causes them to turn away or be cautious or hold back? Are there things people see in me that beckon them to something perhaps unknown or unrealized by words but of the soul?

Questions like this must be informed by, as Herni Nouwen would put it, our chosenness and brokenness. Because only in knowing my chosenness in the midst of my brokenness can I truly hear the Lord tell me I am beloved and one on whom his favor rests. Hearing my belovedness in my chosenness and brokenness then allows me to hear the Lord's perception of me first and filter how I am perceived by others through that. Only here can it be useful information and not provoke envy, jealously or insecurity that we all fight, some more than others.

In leadership community recently, Jim Gum talked about how one important aspect of emotional intelligence is being aware of how we are perceived. This requires a valid, trusted source for feedback on how others are understanding how your words, actions and body language.

Often spouses are the default for this, but in my case, there is no spouse yet. So I must enlist close friends to talk to me about how I am perceived. This means we have to have friends that are willing to tell the truth. This means I need to be prepared to be a friend who is willing to tell the truth. This also means I must be ready to hear the truth.

Truth telling is a peculiar thing as it can often have a wide, wide variety of effects, but regardless...it still must be told.

I have a feeling as Christianity changes and as we navigate life in community that we will need the whole of truth telling more than ever. And in case it was every going to be a question...this should be loving, and prayerful and because we are for that person. We should also ask ourselves about our own agendas in the process.

It reminds me how in Proverbs it says "an honest answer is like a kiss on the lips."

Well, maybe hard to understand just how great the truth can be if you haven't been kissed in awhile, but in my case, I'll rely on my long-term memory to confirm the wisdom of the Proverbs ;)

I Don't Like to Mime

2008-08-17T23:22:00.004-05:00

I recently returned from Fuller Theological Seminary where I was taking 2 intensive classes for my master's degree. One of the seminars was Biblical Foundations of Mission. In this class, Dr. Robert Gallagher made us mime. Yes, mime. I once made the ultimatum to a youth minister as one of his volunteers that I would quit if I ever have to do a skit again. This was after I ended up in a bunny costume for a Christmas skit with instructions to "wing it". In most situations I will also find my way out of playing charades or Pictionary, but in a class at seminary having to go to the bathroom and not coming back just doesn't work. So, I got over it and my small group of 4 acted out Luke 7:36-50 where Jesus is anointed by a woman with the alabaster jar of perfume.

As it turns out, our professor knew exactly what he was doing (there was no doubt), and I saw something I'm not sure I would have otherwise. In this passage, there is a woman who has just burst into the Pharisee's house(Simon) while he is entertaining Jesus and is weeping at his feet while pouring perfume out. I'll be honest, I would have expected Jesus to address the woman quickly to alleviate the awkward tension. But instead, Jesus reads Simon's thoughts, tells him a story, and teaches him about forgiveness. Then he addresses the woman.

This struck me when we were acting it out because Simon (me) was listening to Jesus (Sean) but right there beside us was this woman (Andrea) weeping at Jesus feet. It was actually distracting and even in the acting, felt awkward that this woman was still weeping in flagrant expression right there next to me.

It occurred to me in that moment that Jesus is relentless in pursing our character. If this isn't a good example from Jesus of a "teachable moment", I don't know what is. Jesus first priority in this situation was the character of the Pharisee who wasn't accepting of this marginalized woman. It is almost as if he knew he was most definitely going to bless her, forgive her, and validate her expression, but would not miss the opportunity to help Simon see and learn forgiveness in that moment.

It seems to me that Jesus could have quite easily taken care of the woman, cleaned up the mess, and later circled back to Simon to "debrief" about the situation and tell him the story in the passage about the forgiven debt. But he doesn't. Jesus leaves the messy, awkward situation just as it is, in full form and reaches in to grab the core of Simon's heart.

I have mixed emotions about this. Part of me feels very loved by it that Jesus relentlessly pursues our character. But on the other hand, I'm not a huge fan of awkward tension which seems to me to be the best description of that room.

In the end, I am reminded of how much what is inside of us is all that matters. In this season of learning how to BE with God and this season of discipline, I feel very much like the Pharisee who Jesus isn't going to let get away with cheap, shallow rooted character for the sake of everything going smoothly for the guests.

I can't help but imagine ways my life would be different if I leaned into those times when I feel the Holy Spirit reaching into my core to expose me for who I really am.

Messy, awkward, tension, undone, known, pure, honest, trustworthy, pursued, chosen are the words that come to mind when I think about God shaping my character.

Church, 20 somethings, leaders....this matters to us. Lean in (and mime if you have to).

Yes!

2008-06-19T19:21:00.006-05:00

I was in Chicago this weekend and we went to church with our friend who gave up his bed 2 nights for us. It was on this trip I felt a small victory in my journey with the Lord. A resounding YES! in my heart. You see, I've reacted negatively towards various church styles in the past, maybe as early as 8th grade. I don't think it's always bad to react nor do I feel all my reactions were immature or judgmental. Some were. But that's neither here nor there... just finding my way.

The last community I was a part of caused me to engage with truths and styles of meeting with the Lord which were more formal than I'd known previously. I credit these beautiful people for teaching me the Apostles Creed , for giving communion its proper place and helping me to draw deeply and lovingly from liturgy. I never expected to want to pick up a copy of The Book of Common Prayers at the next used bookstore I see.

It actually wasn't until Friday night talking with friends in Chicago that I realized some of the beauty and weight the Anglican style carries in my heart. Then Sunday, I was given a gift. It had a lot of the same elements of the Anglican church complete with traditional hymns. Everything about the style has in the past been the basis of some sort of tension or reaction in me which had its right and wrong place. But as I sat/stood there during the hymns, the prayers of the people, confession time and communion I had absolutely NO tension. If anything, a longing for it overtook me. This was a victory people. I feel like I was healed of something. Maybe judgment, maybe cynicism, maybe poor vision, maybe something for which I should not try to minimize by finding the perfect words. Or maybe I just grew up a bit. Regardless, it felt really beautiful to not analyze how someone does church as more "Right" or more "Wrong" (thanks David for that wording) but as another profound way that God would choose to love us. Sounds elementary as i write it, but I think people involved in church do this much more than we'd care to admit. At least I've seen you do it as much as me :)

I've been thinking more lately about how God makes all things new. Maybe all the different ways to express the truth of God in a community setting are a loving expression of a God who regenerates, creates and makes all things new.

Or maybe all the different versions of church are mutations of the really simple way of Jesus. Ha! Maybe...but that's a totally different post. In the end, I still can't get over the fact that God gives us the ability to meet him for real, legitimately, purely without mistake and without mutation in so many ways.

Buckets of Babes

2008-06-16T19:34:00.003-05:00

Because this should be seen by everyone in the whole wide world...

Buckets of Babes Music Video from Mike Varel on Vimeo.

Games

2008-06-06T22:28:00.006-05:00

I decided a few months ago that I need to play more games. I've never liked games that much and I never really knew why. Then I realized part of it is because our family never played games so I am always the one who has to learn. I played Clue for the first time THIS year. I remember playing Sorry and Life and Monopoly but I was always begging someone to play with me.

The other reason for a strong aversion to games I've realized is the endless renditions of horribly awkward games played in youth group growing up. Maybe that's why I became a leader...I could lead the game instead of have to play it, or I could look busy enough doing something "important" to not have to play games.

In the end, I feel somewhat deficient in playing in general. I am learning and I am thankful for friends who teach me. This also means I should take advantages of opportunities to play games. I like this one.

The Game:

a. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search.
b. Using only the first page, pick an image.
c. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into fd's mosaic maker.

The Questions:

1. What is your first name?
2. What is your favorite food?
3. What high school did you go to?
4. What is your favorite color?
5. Who is your celebrity crush?
6. Favorite drink?
7. Dream vacation?
8. Favorite dessert?
9. What you want to be when you grow up?
10. What do you love most in life?
11. One word to describe you.
12. Your Flickr name.

Answers
1. Blakely
2. Berries
3. Lawton High
4. Blue
5. Matthew Fox
6. Lemon Drop Martini
7. Australia
8. Creme Brulee
9. Chef
10. Thought
11. Complex
12. None (as in I don't have one)

Sorry....

2008-04-20T16:36:00.002-05:00

Sorry there haven't been any new posts. I think things will be coming soon, but I've been lost in transition with not extra words for blogland. Transition is a funny thing because so much of it you cannot anticipate. I moved and started grad school in the same couple weeks. I do not feel at my prime. I'm not in a rhythm and don't feel like I can get all my thoughts together in succinct sentences. I will have to be OK with that. It will come, and I will once again at some point down the road feel any sort of articulate. In the meantime, I won't have much to post here. See you soon blogland...

Truth to Tell

2008-03-26T21:58:00.002-05:00

So there's this book that I have been reading and the others I know that are reading it agree that this compilation of works is undoing us. It is simply called Bread and Wine- Readings for Lent and Easter and is a compilation of over 50 authors.

Lent and Easter are both over, but I am still very much in the middle of the whole of it because of this book.

I will share some with you. There's no dramatic conclusion or tie in with thoughts from me. It's just what has been forming me lately.

From a writing titled Truth to Tell by Barbara Brown Taylor....

This is the opening quote: We say we want to forget the world, but in the depths of our hearts we do not be forgotten by it.- Francois Fenelon

Uh, yep if the truth were told, I am found out by that statement.

Then she writes this:

In regard to the crucifixion: "One of the many things this story tells us is that Jesus was not brought down by atheism and anarchy. He was brought down by law and order allied with religion, which is always a deadly mix."

Then there's this from Jean-Pierre Caussade about surrender:
"Finding the heart pure, trampled and holding nothing back, he communicates his will fully to it, because his love has given it an infinite capacity by emptying it of all created things and making it capable of union with God. O heavenly purity! O blessed emptying! O unreserved submission!...I do not need to add or subtract anything,nor to seek after or mull over anything. It is for you, Lord, to regulate everything: direction, humiliations, sanctification, perfection and salvation- all are your business Lord. Mine is to be satisfied with your work and not to demand the choice of action or condition, but to leave everything to your good pleasure."

Amen and Amen

1800/1480

2008-03-24T22:34:00.002-05:00

I'm a dietitian...remember? Yeah, sometimes I forget too. Well any dietitian and most everyone else out there who has ever done anything related to fitness would know that consistent exercise increases your metabolism. This means you would be able to burn fat at a higher rate. Side note....muscle has the capacity to burn calories but fat just sits there. Conclusion: building muscle increases your metabolism. Anyway, moving on. I know that this is true but had always just kind of treated it more like a theory that maybe could be disproved or at least didn't apply to me.

Well, recently I have had the longest stint in my life (after the age of 8) without consistent exercise. I feel it and know it and hate it. I also have this little machine at work called a MedGem. It measures resting metabolic rate. This tells a person how their metabolism is doing. This number would increase as you become more fit (build muscle) which means it will decrease with the opposite. This number is usually used to determine a calorie level for weight maintenance/weight loss. So, in theory, if you eat the same # of calories as your RMR, you should be able to loose weight slowly but for sure maintain your weight.

I measured mine about 6 months ago... and now...is is 320 calories less. That sucks which means I walked and then ran some and then did some pilates and I will never be able to stop for 6 months again...ever...until maybe I'm 80 and who the hell cares.

Bad Idea

2008-03-16T21:49:00.004-05:00

What was a bad idea you ask?

Opening the beef jerky that has mysteriously been on the floor of my room for over a week. It hadn't been opened and I think it was Sara's (who's room is across the hall). I'm guessing something random her mom gave her. I noticed it and thought about how much I loved John's beef jerky growing up (neighbor). I'm not sure I've ever told him that. I've only probably had it twice but it stuck in my head regardless and made me open this package tonight. It was mistake, as tonight's beef jerky was kind of slimy and too sweet. I will always be suspicious of beef jerky (as any sane person would be) from here forward.

That made me think of so many other things that I have limited exposure or experience with (like the beef jerky) but they leave a memory or a mark or something significant that matters. The first 2 things that come to mind are 2 different statements made to me, one in the 9th grade and 1 last year that both dramatically affected my perception of myself. Neither scenario was ever repeated or consistent in my life and neither was intended to do the damage that it did. Both were 1 time, 1 shot, and done....enemy grabs it, and I believe a lie which takes years to unravel and rewire....or perhaps is still being rewired.

It makes me think that memories are such fickle things and that the enemy is real but will always be found out. Memories can be so glorious, sometimes too glorious, and they can be comforting and even refreshing. But they can be so brutal; beating us up over and over and over for no good reason it seems.

On another note, I led a discussion at church on the components of missional DNA this morning for almost 2 hours with my pants unzipped. All the girls were sitting in each side of me and they would've told me, so if anyone noticed it would've been the guys, none of which I know well enough that I would expect them to tell me. But, if they really understood missional DNA they would've told me. Ok, maybe unzipped pants has nothing to do with missional movements but it should, dang it, it should.

Here's how it should go:
1. Jesus is Lord
2. Disciple Making
3. Missional-Incarnational Impulse
4. Apostolic Enivronments
5. Organic Systems
6. Communitas not Communities
7. No One Left Unzipped

If anyone who was there this morning reads this, it could actually have some meaning in the context of Will's analogy of the Apostolic, Prophetic, Evangelistic gifts working with the Pastoral, Teaching gift being like a zipper. But for me, it just means you should always find someway to tell someone their pants are unzipped if you notice it.

Top 10

2008-03-06T21:17:00.002-06:00

Top 10 Reasons this was one of my favorite weeks of life....

10. Flying to Colorado instead of driving

9. A jacuzzi so hot that when I got out my lips stuck to my Starbucks ice cream bar like a tongue on a flagpole and actually worrying that all the skin in my lips might rip off

8. Watching my dad laugh really hard at my lips stuck to my ice cream bar like a tongue on a flagpole while I kick him for laughing at me.

7. Listening to my mom say emphatically, "Do not pull it off, you will rip all the skin on your lips off. Do not try to pull it off. Do not move," making me laugh harder and drool come out the sides of my mouth with my lips still stuck to the ice cream bar. (don't worry, I'm ok and have all of my lips intact)

6. Listening to my mom ask every single person we were ever in a confined space with what they thought of the elections AND what they thought of Obama followed with all the reasons they should like Obama.

5. Discussing 1% vs Skim milk with my mom for over 5 minutes in the grocery store and watching her "secretly," try to switch the skim for the 1% when I wasn't looking.

4. Dropping my favorite Patagonia glove off the lift 2nd run up in the only part of the lift to which I couldn't ski. The only time in 20 years of skiing that I didn't clip them to my jacket...I think I've always secretly thought people who did that were so irresponsible and careless. I am now one of them.

3. This scenario that followed:
- My dad telling me to take off my skis and go get the glove
- Stepping into powder up to my waist still at least 8 ft away from the glove
yelling back at my dad, "see, I told you it was too deep. I could die just for
a glove and it would be your fault."
- Dad responding: "you can get it, keep going, but stay close to a tree so you
can pull yourself out."
- I'm laughing too hard to go further saying, "Dad this is stupid, I'll buy
myself new gloves."
- After I'm out of the waist deep powder, he says, "I still think you could get
it."

2. Brother-in-law learning to ski...no description necessary

1. Finding out after the greatest day of skiing ever that I got into Fuller Theological Seminary's MA in Global Leadership program (online) which starts March 31st...actually hiding my cell phone from my mom who wanted to listen to the message on speaker phone over and over and over.

So yes, if I had to classify this week, I would definitely say it was one of my favorite. I have a small hope that if I don't go to sleep tonight then I won't have to wake up and go to work tomorrow and my week will just keep going...

Maybe watching the Office with all my roommates when I should be sleeping is the right thing to be doing right now as the grand finale.

30 Hours

2008-02-27T21:53:00.002-06:00

Let's take a little quiz friends.

What do you think I have done for over 30 hours in the past 2 weeks?

a. 30 hours of knitting?
b. 30 hour famine?
c. 30 hours reading holy scriptures?
d. 30 hours of riding my bike in the snow?
e. 30 hours of sleep?
f. none of the above

You're right, f. none of the above.

So what is the answer?

Let's just say, Charlie does indeed look a little like a rat, a cute one, but a little mousey. Jack is still my favorite at the end of Season 2. At the beginning of Season 3 is taking a weird turn and Ben is creepy-possibly giving me bad dreams. Kate and Sawyer just kissed and I have to admit, I have a soft spot for Hurley. I am Lost and would prefer not to be found until I am caught up and watching Season 4 on Thursday nights.

I think somewhere in the midst of giving up sugar for lent, I've allowed another less calorie filled, but equally addicting indulgence to take it's place. But at least I know this ends....eventually.

Weekends Should be 3 Days.

2008-02-18T17:20:00.006-06:00

I am a fan of shoes...too much of a fan at times. This weekend, I realized the soles have cracked on my favorite black flats. These are the work staple that have been well worn and well loved for over 4 years. This is the only shoe besides Rainbow sandals that have been worn this faithfully for this long. It was a sad day, but not difficult to replace. So I introduce the new black flat, more comfortable than any shoe I've ever worn to work...thank you Clarks.

Now for the best part of the weekend... This friends should happen at every wedding... really it should. May I proudly introduce to you Miss Crystal Henry serenading at Megan and Andy's wedding. Enjoy!

Something Funny and Love

2008-02-06T22:00:00.001-06:00

I've been thinking all week something funny would happen that I could blog about, but I can't remember anything funny that has happened that is 100% blog worthy.

So instead, I give you some words that have captivated me more than most in the recent months, and mean even more after just finding out that a broken marriage is going to make it. Be brave!

"Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything that it’s cracked up to be. That’s why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don’t risk anything, you risk even more."
-Erica Jong

Oh Missouri....

2008-01-29T18:37:00.000-06:00

You never cease to amaze me rural Missouri.

I actually saw this sign today as I drove on highway 136 from Princeton Missouri today.

If you have a horse and buggy that needs to cross the street, don't you worry. There's a place for you in this world.

Passions Smashions

2008-01-27T23:26:00.000-06:00

I scared one of my rommates last night on accident, but it was so incredibly funny. I laughed harder than I had in a long time. That is both glorious since laughing is so good for the soul but also sad since it caused me to realize I don't laugh enough. I chuckle a lot or say "that's funny," but the all out uncontrolled belly laugh seems few and far between these days. Another reason I need to be reminded to lighten up.

One reason I haven't been laughing hard may be because I've been thinking about my passions lately, mostly as the frustration of feeling the suppression of them increases. This has been come and go, ebb and flow since about my senior year of college.

I liken my knowledge of nutrition as a Dietitian to what a plumber knows about toilets or a builder about bricks and concrete; rarely is this something that gets me on the edge of my seat. I'll admit, I do enjoy and don't mind answering people's questions but if we're really honest, this may just be me showing off that I know more than you. This feels to me what I was trained to do...my trade. There's nothing wrong with that at all. It really is an incredibly useful thing to know and I love sharing the knowledge with people so they can take care of themselves better, no doubt about that. I'm so incredibly thankful that I have a "trade." I have a way to make a decent living and the stability of such. On the same note, I'm realizing that gratitude no matter how strong is still not the same thing as passion. Other people's encouragement, accolades, or new opportunities outside of your passion don't seem to change this passion either. Darn.

I've been able to articulate to myself for quite sometime when asked what I'm passionate about, but it often doesn't make sense to others. In a word it is: Church. Most are understandably compelled to ask "what do you want to do in the church?" Answer: Help it.

I'm talking about The Church as in the whole body of believers- every tongue, tribe, nation, small, mega, simple, missional, organized, organic or ridiculous.

It was an interesting experiment to try to articulate what I'm passionate about by using a dictionary definition of passion.
pas·sion: [pash-uhn] –noun
1.any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate.
Love: healthy biblical community- healthy church; when Jesus is Lord; watching people find themselves and God in them; building into ministries and helping to equip, teach, train; forward movement; next steps; early adapters; watching people in their "sweet spot."
Hate (let's substitute frustrate instead of hate): when Church hurts; when Church sits still; when Church won't change; when change is feared instead of expected and welcomed; when Jesus is left out; nostalgics (in relation to inability to change).
2.strong amorous feeling or desire; love; ardor.
See above
3.strong sexual desire; lust.
N/A in relation to this context but expected to be relevant at some point in life as it relates to a male who puts a ring on my finger (and isn't freaked out by all of the above).
4.a strong or extravagant fondness, enthusiasm, or desire for anything.
ex: today when I was reading about organizational vs adaptive leadership as it relates to church/missional communities/Jesus in the 21st century (feel free to wonder if that's normal--I assure you it is for me but possibly not for you)
5.the object of such a fondness or desire.
the people behind all of the above
6.an outburst of strong emotion or feeling
You can probably guess at this point.
7.violent anger.
maybe not violent, but definite anger in relation to #1

Broccoli or saturated fats are not on here friends...

What does this mean? Time will tell as God reveals, and unveils. Psalm 27:14 seems to be the annoyingly persistent scripture in this.
Why post this here for all to see you may wonder? I'm sure my mother is wondering...but the hope is to maybe get you thinking about your passions too. It is obvious even more this week to me that God-given passions will not go away, but they are often suppressed. This feels to me like a beach ball being held underwater. It can be pushed down but it will pop up and sometimes hits you in the face. It can be freeing to just call a spade a spade or a passion a passion and let God begin to have his way with it.

Lost

2008-01-15T18:14:00.000-06:00

Last I saw my lame, old, hand-me down, I hate texting on phone was on Sunday morning as Amy M and I were leaving our room at the retreat. I put it on silent and in my bag. Then Sunday night rolled around and I realized, either God gave everyone else the memo about my poor Sabbath keeping and no one's calling me, or my phone is still on silent, or better yet...I don't know where my phone is.

I still don't know where my phone is and you could be the 10th person to say "have you tried calling it," but that would just cause me to roll my eyes and repeat...it's on silent.

I told my boss yesterday. She said I was supposed to get switched over to her old smart phone today (Monday) or tomorrow (today) anyway so not a big deal.

Not a big deal that I lost the old, lame, hand me down phone (2 other users before me), I fully agree. But I still don't have the new hand me down phone. Does she realize that's my only phone?

In the car is usually when I talk to my dad. He does the same thing and it's always funny when we can hear each other's Maggie in the background (The title Maggie is another story). But not today...I haven't talked to my dad since Friday night (when they were in town). This may actually be a record and I'm not proud of it.

There's always that issue of what if I was hurt or in a wreck or cut my finger with a Global knife...if it happened right now, I'd be OK because I could send a Gchat message to my brother in law who is online, but if he get's off, then Jessica in Tulsa is my only hope.

But what if I just wanted to talk to someone? I think I'm actually having withdrawal from a cellular device....hmmm...this might be a good thing. This might be just what I needed, to be a little disconnected and a little out of touch with things that meet immediate needs. I might just have to think about something more than 5 seconds before telling them what I think or asking their opinion. Maybe...but probably not for long given I live with 3 others and I'm about to meet Susannah for coffee. OK, so I won't be that disconnected, but it is a valid realization and one I won't be taking lightly.

The moral of the story:
Be nice to your cell phone, don't lose it and don't call it lame or it may run away from home.

Shema

2008-01-13T16:10:00.000-06:00

Like I mentioned in the previous post, this year will be marked by my understanding of the Shema. This weekend I ended up at a very special day and half where the focus of the experience was Jewish roots of Sabbath. This came with the sharing of a Seder meal and all it's glorious symbolism. It just so happens that there is absolutely nothing Jewish,especially any understanding of the Passover that does not focus purely and intently on the Shema as this is the central and defining commandment by God to the Jewish people. All daily life hinges on this for a Jew. What will follow is the beginnings of the working out of my own understanding of the implications the Shema has on our lives. It is by no means complete or neatly packaged or without a potential loophole or two theologically. If this were something I were to teach, you can consider this the first draft notes, but something I will resist to edit and perfect as the desire is for it to form me beyond what knowledge alone can accomplish.

Enters the Shema

The Shema in short is Deuteronomy 6:4 "Hear O Israel, the Lord our Go, the Lord is One. The Message version says: Attention, Israel! God, our God! God the one and only! The whole Shema Yisrael comprises Deutoronomy 6:4-9, 11:13-21 and Numbers 15:37-41.

It is the bold and unadulterated call to make God the ONLY Lord of life.

The Shema is covenant loyalty. The Hebrew perspective can "conceive no part of the world that does not come under the claim of Yahweh's Lordship" (The Forgotten Ways-TFW). All of Jewish life was wrapped in the laws of the Torah which aimed to put every single element of life in order under God's commands.

Enters Jesus

The idea of Jesus is Lord is as central to the Gentiles as God the one and only was to the Jews. Jesus in Mark 12:29-31 restates to the Jewish leaders the Shema. This in essence becomes a significant part of the language of the New Covenant. This commandment which feels like home to the Jews becomes some of Jesus' first teaching. The Jesus that came to abolish all the framework from within the Jews lived uses that same frame for this new work which flings wide the doors to let everyone in on the promises of God (previously just for the Jews). Wow!

Now our loyalties are to be given to the Revealer- Jesus. He is the New Covenant. Monotheism previously was set up through the structure of the Torah as the means of One God, One Lord over all. Now, devotion, orientation to and around Jesus is the apex...the hub of how every detail of life is oriented around. The early church and any persecuted church understand this deeply and much more naturally then the Western church. The early church's claim of "Jesus is Lord" has the same implications of Israel's claim of one God as Lord in the Shema. The competing gods have just changed over time from Cannanite god's to Greco-Roman god's to god's of today such as romantic love, consumerism and self-help religion, food, (enter yours here), etc. Thus...

Remains the Shema

Jesus is Lord

Get Gone 2007

2008-01-06T23:00:00.000-06:00

It finally feels like I can move into 2008. I didn't feel like I could fully embrace 08 until this weekend was over which was a dear friend's wedding. It was a very special weekend with Kathleen and Matt, and I'm definitely a fan of the co-maid of honor gig. It was so great to have Crystal as a wingman!

Every year, I generally ask God to give me heads up about the upcoming year. It was actually the week of Christmas when I started reflecting on what might be a theme or challenge or hope or word for 2008. In the process however, it occurred to me that I was ready for 2007 to pack it's bags and go. It was a feeling a little like being with family where the amount of love, respect, depth, secure connection, fun, etc doesn't change the fact that sometimes you're just ready for them to go. Last year on New Year's day I spent the morning reading and journaling and asking the Lord about 2007. The penetrating feeling was that 2007 was going to be harder than the previous year. I remember holding the idea lightly with the Lord having a freeing feeling of waiting to see how it would pan out. Well, my idea about 2007 was most definitely correct and I feel very confident I did not lean into any sensationalism of my brief and defining insight from 1.1.07. It was not 1 hard thing, it was an ongoing refining, humbling, shaping and building into the core of my character marked by some significant moments that caused me to feel deeply, hurt deeply, and be profoundly thankful that God is God and I am not. It was frustrating at times of course, and I understood anger differently this year. But I can't remember a time when I didn't see evidence of God in it. Even if the evidence was God making my soul a little more naked so I would feel the effects of his breath on my life more profoundly, it still felt like God even if it was a little more cold and vulnerable than I'd perhaps chosen. It was even a very big gift to get a heads up about it on 1.1.07. But regardless, I'm finding there's still a little of me that just wants to kick 2007 in the shins. So I've kicked it out. I can't/won't forget it, but I'm moving on and walking away from you 2007. You've done enough and had your say.

As for 2008... It's the Hebrew Shema that I need to understand: The Lord is our God, the Lord alone. Love the Lord your God with all your heart with all your soul and with all your strength.

Simple...not easy

This verse in first John has struck a deep chord as well and I'm getting the idea that it may take the whole year to make sense of it: Dear children, keep away from anything that might take God's place in your hearts.

Let's get going 2008, it's your turn.

Barkley

2007-12-19T19:18:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I was called Barkley. It hasn't happened in quite awhile, but it has happened most of my life. I just walked off laughing because there was actually something a tad familiar about being called the wrong name. I grew up with a girl named Barkley. She was my sister's age. We went to the same church, swam on the same swim team and our parents were (are) BFF. So you can understand how many people would confuse Blakely and Barkley, although I don't ever recall anyone calling Barkley by my name.

There was one person in particular who spent my whole life desperately trying to get it right. He would look at me, think hard committed to not mess up this time and confidently say..."hello Barkley." I would laughingly say, "so close...Blakely," and he would seem defeated by the challenge and move on. Once I'd gotten to high school his daughters, embarrassed, could hardly bear to watch the process and would just tell him before he said hi that my name is Blakely. Eventually he stopped trying and would just say hello. I would say Blakely and he would say thanks.

It made me wonder how often I'm calling God by the wrong name. He's wishing we'd call him by Loving and Faithful or Good and Merciful or Abba and Shield. Instead, I think too often I'm calling him Maybe, Almost or If.

I'm pretty confident things would be different if we called him by his real name instead of his almost names.

Radio Shack Take 2

2007-12-06T22:03:00.000-06:00

So I published a post earlier today called Radio Shack. I was editing something, and I deleted it accidentally. Here's the part that was so awkward and funny during my trip for new headphones. The rest wasn't really necessary, but without this part, you wouldn't have any new ideas for small talk at Christmas parties.

RS: Enjoying the great weather? (sarcasm)
Me: Actually, I really love the snow
RS: Well, I race motorcycles so it cramps my style
Me: True, I'd like to be road biking
RS: That's hot
Me: (no comment) shrug, type in pin for debit card
RS: Is that a right handed ring?
Me: (thinking: it is on my right hand) Umm, I guess so but it's just from my parents
RS: Oh, well I heard about right handed rings one time and I wondered if that was one.
Me: OK...
RS: I heard of like mothers giving rings to their daughters with diamonds in them to use for their engagement ring or something like that.
Me: Oh, well not this one...
RS: OK cool.
Me: Have a good day.
RS: Yeah, you too.
(Exit Radio Shack thinking: what was that?)

Still don't know...

IBID

2007-12-03T21:59:00.000-06:00

Some people work hard to hide their ignorant moments and I admit, I don't mention plenty, but this friends, is worth sharing.

I tend to read books that have to do with God, religion, church, spiritual things, etc. Recently I've been proud of all the footnotes I've read. I've been noticing them, using them as further reading or resource, or to better understand a word/concept. In the past few books I kept noticing the source of "Ibid." Some of you are already laughing and others of you will have to keep reading to get it, but we won't tell. Anyway, as I came across this consistency in books of somewhat ancient text, my uninformed assumption was that Ibid was some profound, fundamental text that I am ignorant for not knowing about. I mean the kind of text that is so old and significant that it doesn't need any further explanation. So, in the most recent book I began, I saw the fateful reference of Ibid and thought "seriously, what's the deal with this?"

Of course, the most appropriate thing to do was to google it.

This is what I got:

Ibid. (Latin, short for ibidem, "the same place") is the term used to provide an endnote or footnote citation or reference for a source that was cited in the preceding endnote or footnote. It is similar in meaning to idem (meaning something that has been mentioned previously; the same [1]) abbreviated "Id.," which is commonly used in legal citation.

To find the ibid. source, one has to look at the reference right before it, and so ibid. serves a similar purpose to ditto marks (〃, ", do.).

WOW! I am amazing. If only my English teacher could see me now! Did I mention I tested out of college English? Obviously, I missed some things!

He Would...

2007-12-03T07:18:00.000-06:00

So yesterday I woke up feeling frustrated and urgent towards people who needed to be prayed for. This isn't an overtly common theme for me (unfortunately) so I was paying attention. Frustrated in the sense that I didn't feel like my prayers alone would avail much and felt this needed to be a group effort on their behalf and wasn't sure that would have a place in the day. Urgent in the sense that this is part of the Kingdom that is here and a chance for the Kingdom not here yet to meet it...that there be someone to fight for them. It just seemed that these people needed to be bolstered by community. It somehow didn't feel right or enough for me just to wake up and offer heartfelt sentiments on their behalf, but a group coming together directly on behalf of this interesting combination of people I vaguely refer to never formed throughout the day. That might have been a reflection to my lack of gumption in the matter, but it also occurred to me that God had potentially ordered the whole day for these few. From the moment I woke up in having an urgency toward prayer, to it being the central theme at 61, to a dear friend expressing her desire to just be with God, and on to time at a coffee shop with a friend who is beautifully anticipating meeting God in prayer in a totally new way this week, to Amy's pressing into the ideas of asking at The Gathering all the way through to this morning. In looking back, the way God ordered it all seemed like He is fighting for them most definitely, as it appears there was much more community gathered, bolstering, praying, hashing out the ideas of fighting for people than I realized or anticipated. I'm thankful for what God is building into the community around me and as an extension of the vision for what a people who pray would accomplish in the Kingdom. And then there's this....

Daily Light: December 3, morning reading-
I would seek God and to God I would commit my cause.
Is anything too hard for the Lord? Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass. Be anxious for nothing but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. Case all your care upon Him, for he cares for you.
Hezekiah received the letter from the hand of the messengers and read it; and Hezekiah went up to the house of the Lord, and spread it before the Lord. The Hezekiah prayed to the Lord.
"It shall come to pass that before they call, I will answer; and while they are still speaking, I will hear." The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.
I love the Lord, because He has heard My voice and my supplications. Because He has inclined His ear to me, therefore I will call upon him as long as I live.
Job 5:8;Gen 18:14; Psalm 37:5; Phil 4:6; 1 Pet 5:7; Isa 37:14-15; Isa 65:24;James 5:16' Psalm 116:1-2.

He would be just that lavish enough to take us on a grand journey even though just another Sunday... and I didn't even have to ask.

Kona Ironman

2007-12-01T16:30:00.000-06:00

I'm watching the Ironman...I told Sara I'd meet her at Leawood City Park to play in the rain with some others but I haven't been able to stop watching. It just so happens that for the past 3 year's I've happened upon the Ironman race in Hawaii on TV. I always cry. Without fail, I always cry when I'm watching it. I am totally captive to the commentator telling of their stories and the writers who celebrate these people's stories and accomplishments. One of the best parts is they give the same if not more attention to the incredible stories of the "age groupers" as they do the professionals. And then, as if it wasn't good enough already Gumption from The Holiday soundtrack starts playing in the background. Of course that beautiful creation by Hans Zimmer should be the soundtrack to such a race.

2.4 mile swim
115 mile bike
26 mile run

I only know the parts written into the script of this event, and there's thousands of stories that aren't getting told that we'll never know. I'm going to tell you about the ones they did tell and you I hope you can feel better about the world when you finish reading.

The winner was Chris McCormack. He placed 2nd last year and has had quite an ego battle with his main competitor, last year's champion. I can't even remember his name but he was not my favorite person. I liked Chris better. The other guy unfortunately couldn't keep any fluids down and was out during the bike.

Chrissy Wellington placed 1st for the women. This was her first Ironman.

Last year's winner from Switzerland had a bike wreck and broke her collar bone. She was so strong and beautiful. I was sad for her. Her coach was also her life partner and made her stop racing.

Charlie Plaskon is blind and in his 60's he crossed the finish line with his guide and 4 grandchildren. In one of the interviews he said,"you can stay secure in your job or in your retirement or you can go pick up a challenge." Get it Charlie!!

Lolly Rodgers 65 years old, a great grandma who won her age group. Her doctor told her she had to stop running due to arthritis, but she said she plans to beat her time next year.

Scott Rigsby lost both his legs in a car wreck about 15 years ago. He's got double prosthetics. The commentator plays up the drama by repeating again that you have to finish by midnight to be an Ironman. Scott is an Ironman.

Lisa Bentley has cystic fibrosis and chooses Carter to cross the finish line with her. Carter has CF too and they met through Make a Wish Foundation.

Brian Boyle was in a car wreck with severe injuries taking months, actually years to heal. He's in his 20's. At one point in the hospital he was ready to give up and his family was afraid he would. His dad talked him out of it and things started to turn around. But this race to Brian's mom will confirm for her that Brian is back and will not give up on life.

Rutger Binky is a professional who placed 4th last year. This year he's been walking for 4 hours of the marathon. Most professionals drop out when they know they will not finish in good time to avoid embarrassment. The winner is showered and having dinner but Rutger "doesn't think it's respectful to the age groupers to quit when it's just not going your way." He finishes 898th.

If you don't get off your bike by 5:30 you are not able to start the run. That means someone has to be there to enforce the rules and tell people they are finished. I don't know the name of who that man, was but I appreciate him. He was so sweet and caring and gave such patient hugs when he had to disappoint the 57 year old teacher from Japan who misses the cut off by 3 seconds and the 70 year old woman who misses it by less than 1 minute. She is absolutely precious and it seems she is disappointed but grateful for that sweet man standing there with her. It is obvious from her demeanor that she is a combination of gumption and deep heart.

These are all the stories I can remember. These people are amazing. I no longer feel like complaining about being tired.

Off the Couch

2007-11-23T15:49:00.000-06:00

I just got off the couch for the first time for what seems like days, but really it's been a few hours. I've been in the rhythm of life in KC and then I get to Oklahoma and everything stops. I get home and there's no friends here, it's a holiday so everyone's relatively disconnected from technology, and going to the mall in Lawton, OK is actually a dangerous endeavour so no shopping on Black Friday. I just feel like I'm in such a different space here. I revert back to the typical youngest child and all the family dynamics begin to play themselves out. I fight being the youngest and try not to fall into "prove yourself" mode but take some relief in the fact that my cousin isn't still asking me how many semesters of college I have left! It's so interesting the way things change but always stay the same.

This odd town of 130,000 people and the largest artillery base in the US (about 2 miles from my house)is a whole other story...They just invoked a curfew at the mall where everyone under 18 has to be with an adult after 6pm. The merchants had to take back the mall from the loiters because it was becoming so unsafe for people to shop or see a movie. I'm not kidding, it's a scary place to go. And that's not the Johnson County in me talking that would make me skittish of anyone in a starter jacket with their hands in their pockets. I grew up in that, I rode on the bus in middle school with pregnant girls,little boys taking care of their moms and siblings,I listened to drug deals go down at the locker next to me and gained such valid perspective into the world. I knew which boys in Jr.High and High School would "have my back" should Shaniqua really choose to beat me up for running against her for Student Body President and finally figured out that the smell of the guys on Student Council with me was not weird cologne, but the smell of illegal. I always just have an overwhelming sense of thankfulness for God's grace, and a different understanding of how much I will never fully understand about God after I've been here. Did I mention that gang experts from LA came here and said they couldn't help with the gang problem because the dynamics of it were so complex? There just seems to be so much provision and grace around my life that has nothing to do with any good or bad decision I've ever made...it just is. I used to fight trying to understand why my life is turning out the way it is and others have so much more to overcome. Somewhere along the way I realized that was a futile effort. It is such selfish wasted energy, and that my energy should be spent on not wasting my life and squeezing every ounce of goodness from what's been Good to me. Being home usually has a way of reminding me of that and something rises up in me that is both a sense of urgency and responsibility toward this life that is not my own. That rising up could be analyzed and called many different things, but the bottom line is that it is familiar to me. I realized now how many different ways that rising up has played out in me thus far and how many more ways it will continue.

Cranberries Anyone?

2007-11-19T09:24:00.000-06:00

25 people yesterday for Thanksgiving lunch at our house and the beautiful, delicious, one of my favorite parts, cranberry relish sat lonely in the fridge until 6:00 last night. That's frustrating! It occured to me while on a random, short ride with Julie that I never put it out! The whole time at lunch I would sit down and feel like something was missing. I would get up and check on things, answer a question, help someone find something, make coffee, etc but sit back down to my plate hoping it would seem complete when I got back. The corn that I threw together at the last minute got rave reviews but my prized cranberries prepared with care the night before never made it to the table. And then, someone told me they knew it wasn't out and didn't say anything. They thought I was saving it for myself. For the record, I will never make 4 cups of cranberry relish the night before a Thanksgiving meal and hide it until the meal is over on purpose. Now I feel obligated to eat the whole bowl and make my roommates help me. I don't think any of them have quite the appreciation for cranberry/orange relish like I do, but I do plan to tackle that bowl which is a much better option nutritionally than the pumpkin pie issue I had last week. More thoughts on lunch coming soon probably, but until then, if anyone is desperate for cranberries before Thursday or wishes to help Amy eat her pie at my house, feel free. There's plenty to go around.

If Your Last Name Starts with "P"

2007-11-12T14:55:00.000-06:00

Just in case you wondered, if you live in Johnson County and your last name begins with P, your car tags expired in September. And one more thing, if you're driving home on Sunday night and you are going 45 mph and the speed limit is 30, you should be pulled over so that the policeman can tell you that you were speeding and your tags are expired. Oh, you may want to clean out your glove compartment so you can find your proof of insurance BEFORE he write "no proof of insurance" on your ticket. And by the way, there is a really really really nice, calming, enjoyable policeman roaming the streets of Prairie Village...I'm serious. We met last night. He may only give you the cheaper of the 2 tickets you deserve and you may not feel like you're going to vomit like all the other times you've gotten tickets.I just thought you should know these things so you can be a good citizen of Kansas. You can thank me later.

Seasons Released...

2007-11-07T10:30:00.000-06:00

I've actually tried to post this 4 times and each time it just didn't feel right. It felt like too much for blogland even though I've posted much more revealing things and pictures of me in more revealing things... well maybe not that part. But there came a time to share it out loud... reading straight from my journal in front of people so now it seems to be released. I could edit some, Cari and Erin could edit a lot, but I'll just post it and let it be whatever it needs to be to you.

September 12th from favorite Jill Bliss journal:
You are so good to bring crisp cool air just when things have gotten so heavy. Perfectly clear blue sky, bright and new, almost like You wiped everything away overnight and started all over again. Like there's not even a trace of yesterday's unbelievable length left in the sky or left in me for that matter. The leaves too...they've started to change. We didn't even have to wait or ask or wish for the first leaf to drop today perfectly floating taking whatever time it needed with no regard for the car coming or the wind that will take it on moments after a perfect landing.

I could go on with imagery of this leaf and time but what is really more significant in this moment is the fact that I didn't even know I needed fall this much until it came creeping up quickly, but sweetly to wrap its coolness around us for a long hello and a cup of coffee with pumpkin spice nonetheless. Then you dropped that leaf just to remind me not to miss this. The thing with the changing of the seasons is that we are forced to leave some things behind and move forward. There were some summer things I didn't quite finish. I only laid at the pool 2 times, only 2 snow cones and not enough long rides on long evenings. But there is no desire to mix snow cones with pumpkin spice lattes or to lay at the pool in long sleeves. It is over and it must be left in it's proper place....last season. This is a gentle but non-negotiable reminder for my heart and soul as well to leave last season there.

You tell me not to worry about forgetting it...it has marked me in a way that will last. You tell me that I will always be able to look closely and see the markings, possibly some places that didn't heal up perfectly smooth....as perfectly as I'd liked. So I trust that You marked me forever and scars are ways of you actually caring for me in ways I wouldn't have know how to care for myself.

So I take Your spirit that nudges to settle into fall, warm up to people, let the coffee linger and last and refill for $.25. Gather around, look, up, notice the leaves. Let them be a gentle, eternally rooted reminder of how life and seasons change and move and propel us on.

Trying to hope in the past will always be futile. I'm confident memory was made for an a anchor of sorts but that life was not meant to be lived at the bottom, in the dark. Life is on the boat, on the deck, in the sun and the rain and the wind where seasons matter and are given the opportunity to change and mark us in ways we have not the ability to humanly muster.

Oh, thank God- he's so good! His love never runs out... so thank God for his marvelous love, for his miracle mercy to the children he loves...If you are really wise, you'll think this over- it's time you appreciate God's deep love. Psalm 107

Sometimes you just have to....

2007-11-04T06:41:00.000-06:00

Get up early to watch the sun, reflect, speak truth, uncover things, notice ....whether you like it or not.

Is it possible for the reflection of something to present a clearer image than the image itself? It seemed that way in some respects at this pond yesterday. And then it seemed that way even more as I listened to girls reflect on what they'd heard at Gathering Girls Breakaway. As somewhat expected, there was more clarity in the reflection than there was in the actual words that were heard. That's a really significant part of community. The reflection of things bouncing on and off of other people's lives or the Word or a tree or the sky or the heart of God absolutely brings clarity and deeper understanding.

Infected Chimps?

2007-10-31T08:20:00.001-05:00

I just read an article my friend Chad had posted about how the AIDS virus entered the US/turned to an epidemic. The last paragraph is what was most interesting to me... chimpanzees?

Here's another interesting article about Europe and Mozambique. I'm not sure what to think about it.

Training Wheels

2007-10-29T19:13:00.000-05:00

On my way home from work today I saw a girl riding her bike with training wheels. I thought sometimes I wish my bike still had training wheels. There was very little risk involved in going out to ride her bike. There was very little mental energy involved beyond staying on the sidewalk and not going too far. Of course with that same eases comes a limit to her speed on both the straightaway or on the turn. It also means she's not growing up. "Big girls," don't ride bikes with training wheels....well the reality of it is that sometimes I don't want to be a big girl. Sometimes I want to be 5 again. But then I remember when I learned how to ride my bike without training wheels and even though it was scary and frustrating and I fell a few times, it was really fun. Actually, it's one of my favorite memories with my dad. I think we'd started learning on Saturday but didn't get there all the way. So we stayed home from church and while my mom and sister were off getting holy, dad and I were home learning how to ride a bike. I still remember the anticipation and intensity leading up to mom getting home. I was so worried that I wouldn't have it down by the time she got home and I desperately wanted to wow her....dang, some things don't change. But regardless, that was the last day of training wheels.

Learning how to ride my bike without training wheels was obviously the right choice and I obviously wouldn't go back to riding without them, especially since you couldn't go down hills at 29 mph on a bike with training wheels which is really fun! I guess the point is just the reminder of having to give up something to get what's better. We ultimately have to give up something like security or comfort or the way we used to think about something/someone(and I'm sure there are many other more eloquent synonyms to connotate what I'm trying to but I'm finished with eloquent for today and actually prefer run on sentences right now..back to the point) to move on to what is better or more fun or mature or however you want to think of it. And in addition to that is the deeper rooting of giving up to be found in Christ (Matthew 10:39)...

Not revolutionary, I know, but a good truth to sit in for a bit as I live in the millions of ways to frame risk and roots and community and coming into and being sent out or being antsy or too content...you know, those tensions of life and just simply life.

Secrets

2007-10-24T21:22:00.000-05:00

I've been feeling skiddish of blogging the details of what God and I have been discussing. That's not like me, but I'm pretty confident God's doing something very good and frankly, I don't want to have to share it with you. Go find your own secrets with God... he's there waiting to tell you secret funny things in your ear just for you and him to enjoy together. I won't lie...some things aren't that funny and won't make you laugh, but those parts are probably roots growing and digging around in the soil of your heart...it's OK if some tilling has to be done for there to be room for deeper roots. It's OK, flowers will come.

But even if there are some secrets I don't include you in, you faithful blog readers you, there's still Matthew 5:1-11 in The Message where you can sit up on the hill as a climbing companion and hear about how you're blessed.

I knew Chick-Fil-A really was from heaven

2007-10-16T22:00:00.000-05:00

I came across this today when I was reading a "Special Report" from Wellness Council of America. This is from Dr. Steven Aldana author the The Culprit and the Cure.

I thought you might need to know...

The Good Guys
• Au Bon Pain, a 220-location café chain based in Boston, has eliminated trans fat from all of its cookies, bagels, and muffins, and is now using a nonhydrogenated margarine.
• Jason’s Deli, a 137-outlet sandwich and salad chain, has stopped using partially hydrogenated oils in all of its products.
• Panera Bread, a 773-outlet café chain that was formerly part of Au Bon Pain, is in the process of replacing all partially hydrogenated oils and plans to be trans fat–free by year’s end.
• California Pizza Kitchen has removed trans fat from deep-fried foods and is working on eliminating it from all other foods.
• In 2005 Ruby Tuesday, with some 700 table-service restaurants around the country,began deep-frying in heart-healthy canola oil.
• Chick-Fil-A fries in peanut oil in its outlets.

The Bad Guys
• Starbucks, ice-cream chain Friendly, and fried-chicken chain Popeyes indicated they had no plans to remove or reduce trans fat in their foods.

Meals at other restaurants also are loaded with trans fat. KFC’s chicken pot pie contains 14 grams of trans, and Taco Bell’s Nachos BellGrande has 7 grams.

In case this isn't registering... the goal is 0 trans fats per day. Trans fats are in most processed foods. Any food label that has partially hydrogenated vegetable oil is trans fats. A product can have 0.5g trans fats per serving and still claim 0 trans fats on a food label so you have to look at the ingredient list not just the grams of trans fats on the food label. They are worse for us than saturated fat.

"If Americans would reduce the amount of trans fats they are currently eating,it is estimated that 30,000 to 100,000 heart disease deaths would be prevented every year. That would provide a bigger improvement in public health than just about any other medical breakthrough in the
past 100 years!"- Steven Aldana

Not So Magical Kingdom

2007-10-15T19:46:00.000-05:00

So I had to go to Orlando for work this week. The last afternoon we finally had a chance to get out of hotel where we'd been working for 3 days. The logical thing of course was to go to Disney World. So 4 of the 6 hop on the shuttle at 4pm for the reduced rate to Magic Kingdom. I'm expecting a few hours of rides, dinner somewhere nice about 8 and bed by 10 since we had to leave the next morning at 5AM. I am wrong. Apparently I totally misjudged the level of intensity that was about to ensue! Here's how it went down:

4:30pm: Space Mountain- everyone's favorite, mine too.
5:30: power-walking and dodging strollers. Leading the pack? in her 50's having been to Disney over 20 times. I'm thinking I could've left after Space Mountain.
5:35: watching 2 families with 6 kids... 4 having total meltdowns and 2 passed out in strollers. Parents still in line for rides begging kids to stop crying.
6pm: rethinking the decision not to relax at the pool...considering bailing after being mauled by the 100th stroller but feeling the need to make it work my $50.00 while remembering my lesson in economics my freshman year about sunk cost...I've paid the money whether I stay or not. Decide not to be lame...stay.
6:30: HUNGRY! A couple rides I can't remember because I'm still re-thinking the decision not to relax at the pool.
7:30: finally dinner- plain chicken sandwich and water for $10
8:00: parade starting....but of course we're not stopping...stroller hitting my ankles... kids still crying...still power walking to keep up wondering what happened to the seemingly calm laid back people I'd worked with all week.
8:00-9:30: Haunted house, Pirates of the Carribean, Jungle Rides. I'm trying to stay awake, literally....kids still crying and passed out everywhere.
9:55: Fast pass for Splash Mountain (laughing at 5 year olds talking about fast passes) Instant gratification at it's finest.
10:20: Cold and wet running through the park knocking over sleeping children and their grandparents left and right (the one in her 50's still eading the pack with her pedometer counting our 16000th step)
10:32: Miss the 10:30 shuttle
10:35: try to convince one of the other bus drivers that it really is the right thing to do to take us back to our hotel...commended on my perseverance but denied.
11:40: get on the last shuttle...finally...no more crying kids because they're all asleep in the arms of parents who now look like they want to cry.

Now, don't get me wrong, I LOVE kids and I am most definitely going to go through the parental right of passage of taking my kids to Disney World. I will absolutely love it. But I will willingly admit, that I am quite content to wait until then to go again.

My favorite part of the Orlando trip? Reading this on the plane by Annie Dillard:
"A high school stage play is more polished than this service we have been rehearsing since the year one. In two thousand years, we have not worked out the kinks. We positively glorify them. Week after week we witness the same miracle: that God is so mighty he can stifle his own laughter. Week after week we witness the same miracle: that God for reasons unfathomable, refrains from blowing our dancing bear act to smithereens. Week after week Christ washes the disciples dirty feet, handles their very toes and repeats, it's all right- believe it or not- to be people. Who can believe it?"

Survival to Enough

2007-09-29T23:01:00.000-05:00

It's been awhile since I've been here...here thinking about what I want to, not what I have to. That's where I've been the past couple weeks, in mental survival mode. I took for granted the season where my mind could go wherever which way seemed most fitting for the day or the coffee shop or the conversation or the blog. That season was when my job was different. There's been no room for reading or studying extra things or meandering around my head to see what may want to surface and connect with my heart... or the other way around. I've been in mental survival mode where the only things that get processed are what HAVE to be to keep me sane (relatively), productive, on time, competent, etc. I am a lot like my dad. So much sometimes it's creepy and annoying or unbelievably beautiful depending on the day. My mom said to me this week "you're just like your dad. As laid back as he can be, when he gets stressed he's wound tighter than a drum." As much as I wanted to drive to Oklahoma and kick my dad in the shins for passing on that trait, or maybe I wanted to kick God in the shins (I've wanted to do that),there was at least something comforting in the realization that it must have some merit somewhere at some juncture if God made 2 people who do it that way.

I have hope that the mental survival mode will pass, but I am still mustering up enough trust to not try to hurry along God's processes. If I'm not careful I become a slave to time and productivity and efficiency. I think in strategy/efficiency mode in all aspects of life not just the part of my job that requires it (and somehow resent it all the while). I loose sight and touch and feeling of a REALLY big God who has this efficiency thing figured out. It doesn't look like it from the Earth-side sometimes because the strategy of Heaven doesn't even fit on the scale of efficiency and strategy on Earth. It's not just that it's too big or grand to fit, it literally has no way of fitting in. It is not only a totally different scale, it's totally different measurements too. It's apples and oranges, or maybe more like microwaves and mountains. Comparing isn't even feasible. Strategy and efficiency in God's terms would be something like loving your neighbor as yourself or figuring out this life with Jesus thing with your whole heart, mind and soul. It would include dying to yourself and thinking of the good of others not just before but instead of your own. It's counter intuitive and presumably counter productive when compared to the Earth version of strategy and efficiency.

As right and good and repetitive for some as all that sounds....there's still potentially a tension that lies in the fact that Earth had deadlines and expectations and reviews and paychecks and people that call you 3 x in 16 hours because you weren't returning their phone call fast enough for something that could totally wait till Monday (and it is waiting). But it doesn't change that at the end of the day or the end of the week when I finally stop to think and regroup, that the Holy Spirit can help relieve some of that tension because of Jesus who lived in it for a time. That still doesn't feel totally concrete, but maybe it shouldn't. Even if there's not enough energy today to study or read or process or change the world, I am confident that just turning my heart's posture towards God will be enough as he is Enough in the biggest sense of the word. The Enough that takes care enough to fit perfectly to each of us, not the enough that just gets meets minimum expectation. I'll need to rename him Enough for now if you don't mind....

Perspective

2007-09-17T22:44:00.000-05:00

I have been so wrapped up lately that I haven't read news like I usually do. Today I began to tackle the neglected Google Reader. There were over 1000 feeds of things I usually keep up with. I didn't read 1000 articles, blogs, or posts today, but I did make it to this about the flooding in Africa. Here are a few of their stories. I needed perspective outside of KC today and needed to be reminded not to forget. It reminds me of a sermon I heard recently where the pastor said: (paraphrased)

"most of us aren't disobedient because we're out to blatantly reject God; more often than not we are disobedient because we forget."

I guess it takes paying attention to remember well...

Leave It

2007-09-13T23:11:00.000-05:00

I wonder how much wouldn't be committed to reality if it wasn't verbalized?

I know that verbalizing makes things more real, or possibly actually real. There is a lot we can get away with if it's never journaled or discussed with another. Generally the verbalizing route is a good way to operate, especially if there is any inkling of intentionality toward living closely and honestly with people/God. People have varying degrees of comfort and readiness for this sort of thing and that's both healthy and respectable for a myriad of reasons. But I wonder if the opposite is not true as well, that sometimes we verbalize things that don't need to actually be as real as we try to make them. Or maybe the better way of putting it is that by verbalizing something we give it more credit, more weight,or more significance than it deserves.

How much of the thought processes that we have just don't need to be given the time of day? Do we really always need to have a long, lengthy, drawn out discussion about things we wish we didn't feel or think or wish didn't bother us but do? Or could some of this just be left alone to find it's way out on it's own. Kind of like ignoring child who is pouting. Usually they get sick of pouting if it's ignored and find a better way. That may not be the perfect example, but it's close. I recognize this is a fine line both with children and feelings. I'm of course not advocating not verbalizing feelings, but can we stretch that to an unhealthy point where every feeling has to be named, verbalized, validated and dealt with through a long arduous process of self reflection? Recently as I was talking more to fill space than for the real need to process anything,I realized I was giving small things big space and heavy weight. They didn't need that. They needed to be fought against with truth, and then left to die alone. I decided some things are better off without attention. I soon found after deciding this, that it's much easier said than done. Sometimes I need the poetry and repetition and length of the raw feelings from Psalms, but other times I'm better off sticking closely to the clear, direct, raw and true words of the Proverbs to aid in diverting my attention from things that could grow but shouldn't. Here's a few of the Proverbs to which I have attempted to divert my attention:

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life.13:12

Fools make fun of guilt but the godly acknowledge it and seek reconciliation.14:9

A peaceful heart leads to a healthy body;jealousy is like a cancer in the bones 14:30

Gentle words are a tree of life; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.15:4

A wise person is hungry for knowledge, while the fool feeds on trash 15:14

Fear of the Lord teaches wisdom; humility precedes honor 15:33 (and chpt 2)

We can make our own plans, but the Lord gives the right answer 16:1

Get all the advice and instruction you can, so you will be wise the rest of your life. 19:20

Many will say they are loyal friends, but who can find one who is truly reliable? 20:6

The Lord directs our steps, so why try to understand everything else along the way? 20:24

The Lord's light penetrates the human spirit, exposing every hidden motive. 20:27

An honest answer is like a kiss of friendship 24:26

Best Week for Grapes.... Hurry!

2007-09-10T21:40:00.000-05:00

It's true... This week is the peak for grapes. Go get some!!! But get red...more on that in a minute.

I forget that not everyone talks about nutrition stuff everyday, and I've had more nutrition questions than usual from friends lately. So,I'll throw in some random info every now and then. I'd be happy to answer more questions here too. I take for granted what I do sometimes.

Today I was refreshing my memory on all the benefits of Resveratrol. This is a compound found mostly in grapes and some in peanuts. It's actually in over 70 plants, but I don't recommend eating spruce or lilies. Besides heart disease and cancer, this compound is also strongly linked to decrease in Alzheimer's disease, stroke, hypertension, and improvement in lung health.

Red grapes are the most accessible source of Resveratrol...which means red wine is a good source too. It's in the skin of red ones and very little in green grapes. It's the resveratrol in red wine that makes it beneficial for heart health and one of the reasons the French have lower incidence of heart disease despite their generally high fat diet. It helps to keep the heart muscles flexible. It's also been shown that this compound which is actually a flavanoid prevented cancer in all 3 phases: initiation, promotion and progression.

Time out: I just realized I've been listening to the same song on repeat without realizing it for 1/2 hr. I'm so relieved that I'm not tired of Brooke Fraser...just tired of song 1. I was going to very sad if my time with her was coming to an end!

All of the above about grapes is pretty convincing even to me who's writing it, but the most important part of the flavanoids are their ability to decrease inflammation. The bottom line on all chronic diseases (heart disease, diabetes, fibromyalsia and a lot of gastrointestinal stuff)is inflammation. Our diets high in white sugar, white flour and saturated fat while low in anti-oxidants (flavanoids), whole grains and unsaturated fats are to blame.

Now, you just thought. "So if it tastes good spit it out," or "So you want me to eat tree bark and carrots?" Like I haven't heard that before! For majority of people the appropriate response here is... LAME! Stop whining. I eat plenty of processed food... in fact I fed people this past week lots of sugar--but if anyone notices, there was always fruit too! It all fits, just not as staples or in place of fruits and vegetables. And you can reduce the sugar, fat and sub 1/3 to 1/2 whole wheat flour in almost any recipe. I do it a lot. None of you have ever known the difference!

Really the ideas is very simple...eat real food. If majority of what you eat can sit on a shelf for 6 months and still be in perfect condition, that is actually a problem. It's great for manufactures but it's going to be the death of you. Real food spoils. Real food has to be touched and handled and may take some thought process or care.

One more thought about grapes... if you have the chance, buy them organic. It's one of the "dirty dozen," fruits and vegetables with the highest pesticide levels.

Go get grapes.

Mad Biking

2007-09-04T22:20:00.001-05:00

I wish this post were about my mad biking skills... but it's not. It's about me being mad while riding my bike.

I wasn't mad at anything big, I just got my feelings hurt and was being a baby about getting over it. The bike ride started out PERFECTLY for being frustrated-thick clouds and strong wind that I was riding straight into. I was peddling and going so slow! The cadence on the Flight Deck was in the 90's but I was creeping.

So I'm riding thinking of how this season of life has felt a lot like this bike ride. Where I'm riding uphill, against the wind, working really hard at moving forward but feeling like I'm right where I started.... if not further back. (Then the Paula Abdul song about 2 steps forward and 1 step back came to my mind. I most definitely did a dance to that with my sister and neighbor that we performed for our neighbors. I think we were all wearing unitards.)

I digress.

So life that feels like this bike ride... It occurred to me that spiritual formation and character building just feels like that most of the time. It feels very different than what it is producing. It feels like it's building nothing and especially nothing beautiful. I feel more clumsy and selfish and immature the deeper I dig into the crevices of self reflection, self awareness and exploration. I had someone tell me once that they saw my life as a double black in the trees where I stand at the top not knowing how I would ever get down but knowing it would be an adventure not for the faint of heart. They were very excited about this vision of me, but I kind of wanted to hit them. Little did they know that I LOVE skiing but HATE mogles. I LOVE flying as fast as I can down smooth, well groomed blues. So this vision of my life left little to be desired on many levels.

But on my ride, I was reminded of it nonetheless and realized that building character, like the bike ride, feels like a double black, full of mogles, in the trees. Your legs get tired after about 10 feet and 3 mogles. You don't see anyone around for so long that the thought of dying in the trees alone actually crosses your mind. You try to get your jacket open for some fresh air only to realize you chose the mittens instead of gloves that day and CAN'T get your jacket open. Your hands that you thought worked well, were productive and useful for menial tasks like zipping are useless. You fall, not on a sweet jump, but with the tips of your skis stuck in the front of a mogle where you just sit for an awkward pause. Standing up has been such a simple, mindless task since about age 1, but at this juncture it takes thought, strategy, and the energy it expends is embarrassing. You finally get to the bottom only to realize, your friends (OK, really the boys who talked you into it then left you--that's not a spiritual connotation, just the reason I even have this imagery) have been at the bottom enjoying hot chocolate and telling everyone how stoked they are about double blacks. You get there, frustrated and tired still deciding if it was worth it.

I would love to say that now there's some amazing breakthrough, but this is the part where my skiing experience and my spiritual journey split and we go back to today's bike ride. I still can't ski double blacks.

But at points of clarity in the middle of spiritual seasons that parallel the double blacks, I find love and grace weave their way into riding up hill against the wind with a bad attitude. The way home? AMAZING sunset. The knowledge and reality of God's love pursuing me despite my efforts to act like I didn't desperately need that to be the outcome.

Maybe my life in the end will end up looking like a double black, in the trees. Maybe I'll get to ski some fast blues along the way. That's not up to me.

All I know today is a resounding YES to all pastors lately (UK, OKC, and KC) who are pushing those in their 20's towards building character and building into the hearts of others.

Shabbat

2007-09-02T17:56:00.000-05:00

I'm reading a glorious book entitled The Sabbath by Abraham Joshua Heschel.

I share just some bits and pieces that hopefully will encourage you in Sabbath if you're already familiar or wet your appetite, making you hungry to feel what it's like to live in a time outside of the confines of space that only Sabbath...Shabbat can give. I have never known "time" to be so deep and thick and full as when it is outside of the other 6 days of the week and outside of what I've always known time to be...predetermined space between "things."

I am still learning Sabbath. And I am still having to consciously make choices about protecting Sabbath. Things still tug at me to cheapen or minimize it. There are still things about what it should look like about which I'm conflicted, but regardless, I'm learning to breathe in the time and space of Sabbath and I find myself longing and anticipating this "other" time.

The Architecture of Time
This picks up in the middle of a conversation about time and space.
"Time to us is sarcasm, a slick treacherous monster with a jaw like a furnace incinerating every moment of our lives. Shrinking, therefore, from facing time, we escape for shelter to things of space. The intentions we are unable to carry out we deposit in space; possessions become the symbols of our repressions, jubilees of frustrations. But things of space are not fireproof; they only add fuel to the flames. Is the joy of possessions an antidote to the terror of time which grows to be a dread of inevitable death?" He continues that "we are more harassed than supported by the Frankensteins of spatial things," and that "the higher goal of spiritual living is not to amass a wealth of information, but to face sacred moments...thus the essence of Sabbath is completely detached from the world of space."

A Place in Time
"Six days a week we wrestle with the world, wringing profit from the earth; on the Sabbath we especially care for the seeds of eternity planted in the soul. The world has our hands, but our soul belongs to Someone Else. Six days a week we seek to dominate the world, on the seventh day we try to dominate the self."

Careful...
"One cannot modify a precious filigree with a spear or operate on a brain with a plowshare. It must always be remembered that the Sabbath is not an occasion for diversion or frivolity...but an opportunity to mend our tattered lives; to collect rather than to dissipate time."

"Sanctify the Sabbath by choice meals, by beautiful garments; delight your soul with pleasure and I will reward you for this very pleasure."

"Time is like a wasteland. It has grandeur but no beauty. Its strange and frightful power is always feared but rarely cheered. Then we arrive at the seventh day, and the Sabbath is endowed with a felicity which enraptures the soul, which glides into our thoughts with a healing sympathy. It is a day on which hours do not oust one another...The difference between Sabbath and all other days is not to be noticed in the physical structure of things, in their spatial dimension. Things do not change on that day. There is only a difference in the dimension of time, in the relation of the universe to God. The Sabbath preceded creation and the Sabbath completed creation; it is all of the spirit that the world can bear."

That to say... Sabbath may take some wresting but, it is worth all the fighting of old hat and old habits that lie to us about why there are 7 days. Maybe it's just time to give in to it's grandeur because something in your soul desperately needs rest that perfecting all the other disciplines has not yet accomplished.

Sabbath quite literally is the "time" our souls were made to live in on 7th days.

What Happened?

2007-08-28T22:42:00.000-05:00

So tonight I was at Journal Club...(aka COOLEST Nerds in Town Club). Actually, it is a once a month meeting I have with 5 other stellar Dietitians. We research biochemistry stuff (they do, I just act like I know what's going on) and nutrition supplementation. I know, it sounds a little lame but I am actually so incredibly honored that I even get to be in the same room with these ladies(and we can get our continuing education hours this way).

Anyway, tonight, after a rousing discussion on Sea Buckthorn berries lowering CRP levels (go ahead... google both of those)among other things, one of them asked me this question:

Why is it that no one in your generation knows how to cook an absolute darn thing?

She's for the most part right. Not many people in their 20's would know about blanching or a bechamel sauce, or at the very least... just how to follow a recipe and it turn out edible. This is a sad predicament since so many women in their 20's have an inherent desire to know how to feed friends and family well.

Anyway, my response to her question was 2 fold.
1) I think part of it is family life got strained and really busy with kids pulled every direction imaginable as my generation was being born. There literally is not time between multiple kids and multiple sporting or music or dance practices for a kid to be in the kitchen with mom. Other moms in the room agreed that they let some of the life-skill things slide because kids are busy with other important and valuable things. Another idea is that even moms who were in the kitchen cooking good meals weren't talking to their daughters about it and the daughters weren't in the kitchen with them even just hanging out together.

2) The second part of the answer is that I think women in the Baby Boomer generation were still reacting to the feminist movement when they were raising us. So in their reaction to the typical June Cleaver idea of femininity, they stopped passing on skills they learned in the kitchen from their mom and even refused to develop some of those skills themselves.

This 2nd concept struck a chord with this group. It was obvious they saw it because most of these women are the very youngest of the Baby Boomers. I think the feminist movement in more ways than not ended up devaluing the power, ingenuity, and benefit of being uniquely female. And I propose that one of the reasons the next generation knows nothing about cooking is because it was no longer considered a value to pass that information on for fear of further stigmatizing women.

Don't get me wrong, I don't blame this all on our mothers by any means! This is a combination of many, many factors. But I dare say the women in their 20's are longing for the skills it takes to be uniquely woman! There is evidence of that all around me. The values of many women in their 20's at least around me, are possibly differing from their mothers. Culture in general is releasing women to pursue being healthy, taking care of yourself, and finding balance. All these concepts hit a nerve that is inherent in women to live fully in that and cooking is part of it.

But the reality still remains that many lack the skills needed. This has been expressed by women around me for sure.

So, I'm going to help. There will be cooking lessons beginning in September at the house on Wenonga.

If you are interested in joining us, please feel free to contact me! I would love it! I'm not an all-star chef by any means. I still mess stuff up and forget an ingredient sometimes, and complain that it didn't turn out as I'd hoped. In fact, I still call my mom all the time with cooking questions.... tonight even!

But in the end, we are reclaiming parts of what is lost in female culture as I hopefully pass on some basic skills in the kitchen.

We may need tasters too! Should they have pop quizzes? homework?

"Abraham hurried into the tent to Sarah. He said, "Hurry. Get three cups of our best flour; knead it and make bread." Gen 18:6 (And it was Sarah who got to entertain the angels!)

Intimacy, Simplicty, and a Lot of Trash

2007-08-19T01:19:00.001-05:00

So recently I've been just trying to understand intimacy with God. Not the cliche, run of the mill use of the word intimacy but the kind that stops you and causes your life as you once knew it to come to a halt. The kind of intimacy with God that reveals parts of your character that you thought were only other people's problems. Then you can't believe you even thought such a horrifying thing as you are able to admit how hodge-podge, cluttered and inconsistent your life actually is. Or the kind of intimacy that by real grace allows you to feel and know and see and hear and smell God in a way where words just won't do and you realize that the previous kind of intimacy is OK too and just as valid.

Rest and attention to Sabbath has caused intimacy with God to grow way beyond what I would have ever conceived. That has caused me to see the clutter and frankly the absurd parts of my life. The book The Rest of God catalyzed this too. Buchanan argues that as Christians we have lost “the rest of God—the rest God bestows.” “In a culture where busyness is a fetish and
stillness is laziness, rest is sloth....Sabbath is both a day and an attitude to nurture such stillness. It is both a time on the calendar and a disposition of the heart. It is a day we enter, but just as much a way we see. Sabbath imparts the rest of God—the things of God’s nature and presence we miss in our busyness.”

As I began to catch on that my life is still to cluttered, I'm consuming WAY too much, intimacy is possibly much more simple than I've thought and Sabbath still hard to protect... I heard these two ways of life contrasted:

The American Way
Risk early
Find groove
Settle and establish
Earn and save
Consolidate and maintain speed
Retire and coast
Die

God's Way
Follow me with abandonment at every age with eager expectation that I can use your life for my purposes.
Risk always
Never completely settle
Be different
Be mine
Die glorious

As I watch my generation figure out life with Jesus and Church/church I am hopeful that there are people whose lives really will look more like God's way rather than the American Way. Granted, we're all in the "risk early" stage so the jury is still out to some degree... but I see evidence of simple, and thick and textured fabric being woven into us. Fabric that will weather storms and be able to carry people to be feet of Jesus. This thick, rich, textured fabric is character and mission. God's character is what weaves strong chords of texture in our lives. The journey of what it takes to build character possibly adds the colors.

Mission is what is driving the whole thing...the speed in the needle I guess. "Jesus, undeterred, went right ahead and gave his charge: 'God authorized and commanded me to commission you: Go out and train everyone you meet, far and near, in this way of life, marking them by baptism in the threefold name: Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Then instruct them in all the practice of all I have commanded you. I'll be with you as you do this, day after day, right up to the end of the age.'" Matthew 28:18-20

But we must stay closely connected to intimacy and mission. I heard it said well last Sunday that you must be "absolutely resolute in his delight for you....unless we're really able to live in the reality that we are loved and absolutely desired by a God who loves you, it will be really hard to trust him. He has ideas about you that you don't yet know about. There is a story built into the fabric of your life that God is absolutely determined to tell if we'll let him. We have not been made for just the America thing."

So what's the result? What am I doing? What changed? I am starting where I am, not where I am not. So far....

I cleaned out my room.

The pictures are my desk before and after (you can't see the other 2 crates of books and 2 of files...but you get the idea.) And today I filled up another trash bag of clothes to give away.

I'm reclaiming Sabbath, pursuing intimacy, and simplifying.

(It occured I gave no credit where it was due. The following people contributed whether they know it or not: Louie Giglio via Isaac Anderson, Shelley Winkler, Tom Brawner, Mark Buchanan)

I want some decaf...

2007-08-16T23:23:00.001-05:00

I had lots of great thoughts today about my new job, what I feel like God wants me to focus on this semester complete with pictures of how I got started on the simplicity part of it, etc. I even had great connections with Colossians 1 and supremacy of God.

But then I was thinking how much I really want coffee right now and I'm done thinking for the day. It's 11pm and I'm tucked into my little nook (weird space in my room where my bed is) with candles and The Holiday soundtrack playing (I've felt kind of like Iris today). I'm teaching myself how to turn my ordinary spaces into sacred spaces. I'm mostly just thankful, but a little hot and wishing I could smell the candles better (sinuses). And I'm still thinking about coffee....I haven't had Starbucks all week which is a switch since that's usually where I end up a couple times a week to either meet someone or read. I don't necessarily prefer it. It's unfortunately a convenience issue. But, lately I've been making it to the Roasterie.Being the daughter of a small business owner, I tend to lean toward supporting local business and I just feel like I'm "sticking it to the man" by not going corporate. I recently found the Delocator that compares the locations of independent coffee shops to Starbucks. In my zip code there are 8 Starbucks vs 9 independents. A couple of the independents are lame though and possibly shouldn't have made the list, but regardless, I did find one I need to check out.

On my walk earlier (with a blue and brown stripped sky and lightning--AMAZING!) I was thinking about front porches....Starbucks is now considered the new front porch and even just finished a summer marketing promotion about porches. I decided on my walk that I will have a great front porch the first chance I get. And by front, I mean front where your neighbors have 2 choices- talk to you or consciously ignore you. I can't wait to see what they do! Which reminds me, I still haven't met enough neighbors...

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KC Women's Triathlon

2007-08-12T10:16:00.000-05:00

It's true, my sister and I did a sprint triathlon (500M swim, 10 mile bike,5K run)on Saturday. We did it more than anything just to have done one and to get time with each other during the training too. But time training together or alone ended up being sparse. Yes, Carrie, you can laugh.

I am not all that competitive, in sports at least... trying to prove my point may be a different story. So the idea of competing hard to beat training times or even beat my sister just seems like a waste of energy. I like to think sometimes I may be a little hard core and really care about winning, but then I remember my high school tennis career where my best friend and I begged our coach to let us play down a seed so we could have more fun and realize...nope, not hard core.

There were a lot of interesting dynamics happening during the morning because it was an ALL women's race. Girls rule, boys drool, no boys allowed.... 350 women of all ages and sizes. I laughed out loud with the girl next to me (she was about my age) when a woman twice our size and 3x our age passed us running. (laugh again Carrie)

It was so interesting to see an event like and just observe WOMEN. As you walked around everyone talked about their families, kids, why they were doing the race, who they were doing it with, etc. All the rookies were constantly encouraged by the vets. Over and over and over and over wherever you walked you would year, "you can so do this.... you'll be great!" Lots of talking, lots of estrogen, lots of thighs and lots of cellulite....it truly was a beautiful thing. No one appeared to be comparing themselves or self conscious. The women who you thought would totally rock it, you passed and the first one out of the water in 6 minutes no one would've guessed based on what she looked like!

One of my favorite parts was on the run some kids had side walk chalked for their mom. They wrote... "GO MOM!! Dad's still asleep!"

The last triathlon I watched there were tons of mom's carting kids around in the heat to cheer on dad. Now, it was dad carting the kids around to cheer on mom. And twice I saw a mom step out of line before the race to help dad with a screaming kid. There were dads exhausted before the race started with the kid screaming for mom, and other sympathizing dads giving the "I feel you dude" nod and chuckle.

There was the dad there to watch his 30 year old daughter. She had just gotten married in October. Her husband wasn't there because he couldn't miss his fantasy football draft. Seriously....really? I'm all about guys doing guy stuff and having guy time, and I can't even argue the potential benefit of some of the fun/bonding around fantasy football. I even think all men need a little "man space" in their home. Who knows, maybe his wife didn't care if he was there. Maybe she had fantasy football picks too. I don't know the whole story. I just can't help but wonder what dad thinks of his son-in-law now. Regardless of some schlepper husbands, it was cool to see all the husbands and dads pulling for their girls.

It was VERY obvious that the dynamics are totally different co-ed. I've done some bike rides and you just want to remind some of the men that they're not going pro and they still have to take out the trash when they get home. In this race, if someone hit you during the swim (which they did!) You'd hear a loud "sorry!" Swimming in brown lake water in hoards of people is very interesting and basically nullified all the stroke mechanics and training. Oh well!

On the bike, I realized at one point that I'd totally forgotten I was in a race. I was watching the scenery, thinking about some stuff I'd read earlier, thinking about my new job, a friend I recently got to see, etc. Then, I heard "on your left" as a cyclist passed me and I came back to reality.... Oh yeah! I'm in a triathlon right now! That made me laugh... like I said, I'm hard core.

Then on the run, I was pacing with a girl about my age and another who could've been our mom. They had just met. We all introduced ourselves and hung for a bit. Another confirmation that this was a women's race! I could've used a little entertainment on the run... maybe a guy with a mustache would've helped.

But in the end, it all reminded me of why for generations throughout so many different cultures, women have always gone to the well for water...together.

Not so much candid camera...

2007-08-11T16:45:00.000-05:00
Wait, are the Bourne movies actually real? Check out this article... Toto, we're not in Kansas anymore.

And side note based on where my brain took me next... I have a neighbor pushing at least 90 who's name is Dorthy and her dog's name is Toto, yes it's true. She's s so cute that she wears the cliche perfectly and will under no circumstances let you help her rake or mow her lawn.... not kidding, don't try.

Pictures from the triathlon I did with my sister coming soon... who am I kidding, probably tomorrow.

Theology of Singleness

2007-08-08T13:15:00.000-05:00
This post is coming to you with some reservation with the fear I would sound like a bitter single whose friends have all ditched her, but that's simply just not the case. I trust those who know me would vouch for me on that one. I would love to hear people's comments but understand it's a little bit of a sensitive topic. (you can always post anonymous). There could be many other clarifications or caveats to this post like how living in the Midwest informs things or how good or bad my married friends have done this, or if I would still right this the same if I were married, but I'm skipping all that b/c there's not time here and it's not the point. The point is to look at how all this may effect the ways we set up life with each other.

This all stems from a talk by Lauren Winner when she was at Jacob's Well about how the church is orienting around single and married life. She is married by the way.

The idea is that the church seems to place a higher value on married life than they do single life.
It's as if being single is simply the space between being legally adult (18) and being a real adult (married). It's seen as a means to an end or a necessary evil.

Lauren presents the case that as the church we tend to dismiss single people as not yet being totally grown up. You can hear it in the language used around 20's groups or her story of a girl in her late 20's seated at the kids table while her 24 year old married sister is seated with
the adults. We all (married or single) have plenty of our own stories we could tell.

But my reason for even posting this is that this idea may have much deeper implications than we realize.

Lauren says, "When we as the church ghettoize singleness and begin to privilege
one over another we are in effect the eye saying to the elbow take a hike I have no need for you."

She goes on to describe marriage and singleness as interwoven pages of the same novel to tell us different pieces of the story of life with God.
Then provides really great distinctions between the value of each but there's just not space here. You can listen to it to get the whole thing. But in brief:
Marriage:
see the power of God's relentless and frankly reckless fidelity.
she quotes someone "people must persevere in love b/c our community needs to see God's love actualized among God's people"
Singleness
Jesus was single- he is our picture of life lived most fully- not a cute quip but really to get at the heart of something really radical of the Christian message--Identity.
fundamental inheritance and identity comes from membership
in the family of Christ Mark 3:31-34
singleness in the church instructs us in true identity
instructs us in creating and protecting an emptiness for God
tutors us that our primary relationship with one another and perhaps our truest relationship is that of sibling and not of spouse. -Matthew 22:23-33
They need one another and neither call is better or holier than the other. Both are essential and both require renunciation and even suffering.

She then quotes an Eastern orthodox theologian discussing the renunciation and suffering of being "called" to be single or married or any other calling really.
"we should think of vocation as an invitation, a call from the friend. I accept it today in the contours of my present situation until the time when I may perhaps see more clearly. One's vocation is found exactly on the crest between necessity and creative freedom along the line of faith which reveals the direction as its free and strong confession grows. One's entire vocation, whether married or singleness, is an option. It is an answer to a call that has been heard. It can simply be the present condition. It is never a voice that clarifies everything. The dimness inherent in the life of faith never leaves us. There is one thing we can be sure of, that every vocation is accompanied by a renunciation. One who is married renounced monastic heroism. A monk renounced married life. The rich young man of the gospel is not invited either to marry or to enter a monastery. He had to renounce his wealth, his having, his preferences in order to follow the Lord. However in all cases of deprivation that scripture speaks of, grace offers a gift and out of a negative renunciation it creates a positive vocation."

In the end, it's not just about not making singles feel bad or including them (most would resent the shallow effort just for the sake of inclusion). It is potentially much more about how our language around single/married life affects not only kingdom life together, but possibly our theology as well.

Snow Patrol?

2007-07-30T22:30:00.000-05:00
So I recently purchased the new Snow Patrol Eyes Open album. I admit, I haven't listened to much Snow Patrol until now but I'm hooked. I keep trying to give Sufjan Stevens or Death Cab or the Shins their due time but I keep coming back to this one.

I have Hands Open on repeat right now but a few days ago I was cleaning up my room (surprise surprise to anyone who's lived with me) and part of this song just caught me and caused me to stop.

Hands open, and my eyes open
I just keep hoping
That your heart opens

It's not as easy as willing it all to be right
Gotta be more than hoping it's right
I wanna hear you laugh like you really mean it
Collapse into me, tired with joy

I thought in that moment how desperately God loves us. I wonder how many times God is patiently and lovingly screaming these words at us begging for us to stop limiting him and thinking of his abilities and love in human terms that seem to quickly orient to the drudgery of life. I really think God wants us to laugh like we really mean it . What does it look like to know the parts of God that cause us to collapse tired with joy instead of collapsing tired with life? If you're reading this and life sucks right now, you may resent the thought. But I know from my experience that God has this funny way turning my collapsing into joy. Sometimes I have to keep repeating over and over the prayers or scripture or song or walk or sunset or bike ride that tell me that. Sometimes I have to have someone else do that for me but eventually, sometimes quicker than others, my collapsing does indeed turn. And sometimes the weight of what is may not even be gone, but there ends up being ample room in God for the weight of life and the joy of God to fully co-exist in the human heart--possibly superimposed onto each other creating something a little deeper and maybe even more complete or true.

Hidden in Plain Sight

2007-07-28T12:49:00.000-05:00
Below is Mark Buchanan's intro, if you will, to his new book Hidden in Plain Sight. This is the next one I'm going to read. He's the author of The Rest of God...a book I will keep with me in hand, heart and mind for a very long time. His new book got moved to the top of the ever growing list of "books to get to," and I can tell I will need to give God adequate space in my life with this book so I will wait to start it until other books are finished. Expect to hear about it in the near future. So far just the title has begun to work its way into me because I'm seeing so many things about God and life with God that are indeed, hidden in plain sight. Truths and promises from God that have always been there for humanity from the beginning of time (and written quite clearly in the Bible). A different season, a different context of life, a different person for all those things to be reflected against unveil things in us and around us that have in essence been there (or at least available) the whole time. That can be a truly deep and liberating experience and/or it can be a truly deep and tumultuous experience. I'm finding it's most definitely both. Both have their perfect place and I am even more confident that this is the shape and the feeling and the look and the guts of God's character being shaped in a human.... the unveiling and revealing of God himself in his perfect time, and his perfect order. So spacious is He that everything finds its perfect place....

Grace and Gumption

2007-07-23T22:30:00.001-05:00
I love these two words!

It just makes sense to me for them to be together. I think there's just something about what God is doing in me and turning 25 that is just causing me to love the word gumption especially. I admit, I picked the words I liked from all the definitions of gumption and left the rest out. The words I left out were aggressiveness and shrewdness. I left them out because well, I just didn't want them in there... didn't sound very lady-like I guess. I won't go into the details, I think there's some baggage there. But I ended up looking up the actual definition of shrewd which was "astute or sharp in practical matters." The actual definition wasn't negative at all. In fact, I wouldn't mind being described as astute or sharp in practical matters. But I still left it out. I wonder in how many other places I believe the connotation, or the standard, common view or definition instead of the true one....hmmm.

A lot of us have spent years swirling around, understanding, living, learning and possibly arguing theology about the word grace. And, we'll never come to full conclusions of it's depth and intensity which is beyond my understanding in and of itself....I've settled for just not understanding something because the amount of time and energy it would take to understand compared to the necessity of its use just did not makes sense (ex: chem 1, chem 2, organic, biochem, microbiology).....especially when there was coffee and great conversation to be had. But in this case, with this word grace and all that it embodies, I will literally never understand the depths and full reality as long as I breathe. It's just not possible because I need new levels of it and new understanding and a reminder of what I understood 100 times before in each little crevice and hole and twist and turn.
Again, I had picked my version of all the definitions, but one of the parts that struck me the most was "a sense of what is right." Grace: a sense of what is right....

So, I can't help but put Jesus and the guys who got to walk the same dirt he did in the category of having some serious gumption...Jesus talks with the pharisees I think would even fall into the shrewd category by it's true definition. And grace just seeped in and out of it all... both kinds... the kind we have to keep going back to get more of from God and the kind God commands us to give freely away to others. There's a tension and a balance and a freedom in it all...all at the same time.

Two Hands Please

2007-07-19T14:53:00.001-05:00

So I was getting water at work the other day and decided to get the bigger cup which I've been doing more of lately in efforts to be well hydrated. So I filled up my cup with water (no ice) and tried to pick it up and had the thought....am I going to need two hands? I didn't, but in that moment I felt like a little kid whose mom would say "use two hands please and try not to spill." My next thought was what if we carried life in a big cup that needed two hands to hold it. There's so many times I grab the small or medium cup. Because it's easier to manage, doesn't make me as cold or make me have to go to the bathroom as much. It is more convenient than the big cup but in the end it's not as good for me (assuming it's water and not Coke).

There's lots of references to cups in the bible like the more obvious one being the cup of wine Jesus uses to symbolize his blood. But in other places the reference to the cup is more like our lot in life or the deck of cards we were dealt or what God in us is contained in. Psalm 16:5-Lord you alone are my inheritance, my cup of blessing; Psalm 23:5 My cup overflows with blessings. There's other not so pretty references like one about drinking the cup of terror or one from God in Jeremiah about taking this cup filled to the brim with my anger. But after Jesus came there's talk of giving a cup of cold water to the least likely person (matt 10:42). Jesus informs the disciples that they get a piece of the bitter cup he was given (Matt 20:23). A cup that is clean on the outside but dirty on the inside is the analogy Jesus uses to call out the Pharisees when they were acting clean and pretty on the outside but inside was dirty. Right before his death Jesus is face to face with the reality of his humanity and the "cup" God had given him in being crucified the next morning. At that point he begs for the cup (his deck of cards) to be taken away but in the same breath presses into faith for God's will to be done.

So all that just made me think of our lives through a different lens. Where we consider our lives a big cup filled up with all we can muster, find, and search out of Jesus that really will need two hands and God to carry. And that cup tips into our souls for cleansing, refreshment, blessing --hopefully. Our cup contains both the decks of cards, lots, plans, etc God planned ahead for us along with all the choices we make as to what will fill our cup. That cup tips the other way too into other people's souls giving to them all with which it is filled. (Makes me wonder what dirt I've tipped into others without realizing it)

I'm still picturing a little kid whose cup is way bigger than what makes sense for the little frame, small hands and even small belly. But he picks the big one anyway knowing there's a good chance it may get messy or he may not be able to finish it all the way.... but if he doesn't he gets a lot more to drink than his buddy who picked the small cup and ran quickly away.

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I'm Back....

2007-07-16T20:59:00.001-05:00
Well it's true, I'm back to blogging. I deleted my blog a few months ago thinking... I'm done. But the truth is, I've missed my blog. I've missed the occasional comment someone would leave, the conversations that were only had in blog-land, and the different ways I get to think through things. So I sucked it up and created a new one. I am lamenting the fact that the colors are typical me and definitely match my room, many things in my closest and majority of my stationary, but at least it will feel like home! Maybe one day I'll reinvent myself but I doubt it and definitely not today.

Not much more for this post, except that I highly recommend the book Mudhouse Sabbath by Lauren Winner. I am one chapter away from finishing, confess I read the past 3 too fast, but love feeling more connected to things old and sacred that will bring things new when allowed to have adequate space and attention in my life.

Here's a quote from my favorite chapter- hachnassat orchim/hospitality: "Julianus Pomerius had spoken of hospitality as unbending one's self...The irony is that the unbending requires inviting my neighbors into the very places where I am most bent."