On My Mind

I was about to go to sleep and something came to mind to blog about. It was one of these thoughts below. I can't really remember which thought I started with.

I thought I would be blogging more as of late. But the truth is, when I read a lot and talk a lot, I don't really want to write a lot. I think that could make a really strong case for how much I should or shouldn't talk, but part of my defense is that I'm trying to spend my words face to face instead of in gchats or emails or perhaps here where I would type things I wouldn't even say.

I know people have written about the effects email has on relationships in the ways we handle confrontation. The thought I had on Sunday night, which I was thinking about again tonight as I was about to go to sleep is how I am not that good at saying I'm sorry. That is a problem. I tend to avoid confrontation if I'm going to be wrong or have to say I'm sorry. Oops.

A final paper was turned in yesterday for my second grad school class. This one was integrating themes from our class Character, Community and Leadership. So I've spent the last few months looking as honestly as I can at those concepts in my life. In my paper I covered themes such as being and doing, belovedness, discipline, communion, and brokenness. Through it I've come to realize how NOT okay I am with my brokenness most of the time. Having trouble saying I'm sorry also means having trouble admitting I'm wrong which seems like something to ask the Lord to help with.

I emailed an apology to my roommate yesterday. Lame. What's going to happen when I'm in a relationship? Crap. Maybe the next person I date will think of my awkwardness with confrontation endearing? Doubtful, but then again, maybe I'll revert back to high school/early college when I thought confrontation was fun. That's probably not so endearing, but there was a time when arguing with one of my best friends in high school was recreation. He disagreed with me on so many fundamental things but we respected each other so much that it was actually really fun to hash out life issues. I think it was fun because somehow I never got my feelings hurt. He's an attorney now. I hope he can still argue without hurting people's feelings. That would be amazing.

But, somewhere I lost some of that ability to state my mind. I think it was when I heard that boys said I was intimidating. Yep, that had to be it. Bummer. I wasn't trying to be, I just hand thoughts about stuff and kept beating them in Student Council elections. (My slogan "Positively Powell" won me 5 elections. Oh the glory days of never needing a hall pass...)

By the way, I'm not equating leadership to confrontation or ability to argue...don't be confused)

I recently have had some clarity about women with leadership gifts thanks to some ideas the Lord was forming in me already, a professor, my mentor and a book by Nancy Beach. The most clarity was in the Nancy Beach book when she said that God putting leadership gifts in a little baby girl was not a mistake. He did not mix up the gift giving that day and accidentally put something in a little girl that was meant for a boy.

I know, that could sound like silliness to some, but to a girl with leadership gifts who has grown up in the church, just hearing someone say that can bring you to tears. It did. It does and it just might again.

I've gotten off track with my first thought of how important it is for me to be able to say I'm sorry...quickly and in person. This is part of the brokenness with which we all need to get comfortable. But it strikes me with profundity (I just felt like Erin there for a second) that we can't really get comfortable in our own brokenness without community. I think that our relationship with the Lord and our brokenness is one thing, but our relationship with community and brokenness is a big deal. A really big deal. A deal that hurts and frees and calls a spade a spade and realized we're all spades. If the other side of brokenness is healing then by holding back brokenness from each other, are we holding back healing? Wow, I've never thought of it like that! Could it be that we actually hold back huge amounts of the glory of God for the world to see by not being comfortable with our brokenness?

I think I can got sleep now.