Off the Couch

I just got off the couch for the first time for what seems like days, but really it's been a few hours. I've been in the rhythm of life in KC and then I get to Oklahoma and everything stops. I get home and there's no friends here, it's a holiday so everyone's relatively disconnected from technology, and going to the mall in Lawton, OK is actually a dangerous endeavour so no shopping on Black Friday. I just feel like I'm in such a different space here. I revert back to the typical youngest child and all the family dynamics begin to play themselves out. I fight being the youngest and try not to fall into "prove yourself" mode but take some relief in the fact that my cousin isn't still asking me how many semesters of college I have left! It's so interesting the way things change but always stay the same.

This odd town of 130,000 people and the largest artillery base in the US (about 2 miles from my house)is a whole other story...They just invoked a curfew at the mall where everyone under 18 has to be with an adult after 6pm. The merchants had to take back the mall from the loiters because it was becoming so unsafe for people to shop or see a movie. I'm not kidding, it's a scary place to go. And that's not the Johnson County in me talking that would make me skittish of anyone in a starter jacket with their hands in their pockets. I grew up in that, I rode on the bus in middle school with pregnant girls,little boys taking care of their moms and siblings,I listened to drug deals go down at the locker next to me and gained such valid perspective into the world. I knew which boys in Jr.High and High School would "have my back" should Shaniqua really choose to beat me up for running against her for Student Body President and finally figured out that the smell of the guys on Student Council with me was not weird cologne, but the smell of illegal. I always just have an overwhelming sense of thankfulness for God's grace, and a different understanding of how much I will never fully understand about God after I've been here. Did I mention that gang experts from LA came here and said they couldn't help with the gang problem because the dynamics of it were so complex? There just seems to be so much provision and grace around my life that has nothing to do with any good or bad decision I've ever made...it just is. I used to fight trying to understand why my life is turning out the way it is and others have so much more to overcome. Somewhere along the way I realized that was a futile effort. It is such selfish wasted energy, and that my energy should be spent on not wasting my life and squeezing every ounce of goodness from what's been Good to me. Being home usually has a way of reminding me of that and something rises up in me that is both a sense of urgency and responsibility toward this life that is not my own. That rising up could be analyzed and called many different things, but the bottom line is that it is familiar to me. I realized now how many different ways that rising up has played out in me thus far and how many more ways it will continue.

Cranberries Anyone?

25 people yesterday for Thanksgiving lunch at our house and the beautiful, delicious, one of my favorite parts, cranberry relish sat lonely in the fridge until 6:00 last night. That's frustrating! It occured to me while on a random, short ride with Julie that I never put it out! The whole time at lunch I would sit down and feel like something was missing. I would get up and check on things, answer a question, help someone find something, make coffee, etc but sit back down to my plate hoping it would seem complete when I got back. The corn that I threw together at the last minute got rave reviews but my prized cranberries prepared with care the night before never made it to the table. And then, someone told me they knew it wasn't out and didn't say anything. They thought I was saving it for myself. For the record, I will never make 4 cups of cranberry relish the night before a Thanksgiving meal and hide it until the meal is over on purpose. Now I feel obligated to eat the whole bowl and make my roommates help me. I don't think any of them have quite the appreciation for cranberry/orange relish like I do, but I do plan to tackle that bowl which is a much better option nutritionally than the pumpkin pie issue I had last week. More thoughts on lunch coming soon probably, but until then, if anyone is desperate for cranberries before Thursday or wishes to help Amy eat her pie at my house, feel free. There's plenty to go around.

If Your Last Name Starts with "P"

Just in case you wondered, if you live in Johnson County and your last name begins with P, your car tags expired in September. And one more thing, if you're driving home on Sunday night and you are going 45 mph and the speed limit is 30, you should be pulled over so that the policeman can tell you that you were speeding and your tags are expired. Oh, you may want to clean out your glove compartment so you can find your proof of insurance BEFORE he write "no proof of insurance" on your ticket. And by the way, there is a really really really nice, calming, enjoyable policeman roaming the streets of Prairie Village...I'm serious. We met last night. He may only give you the cheaper of the 2 tickets you deserve and you may not feel like you're going to vomit like all the other times you've gotten tickets.I just thought you should know these things so you can be a good citizen of Kansas. You can thank me later.

Seasons Released...

I've actually tried to post this 4 times and each time it just didn't feel right. It felt like too much for blogland even though I've posted much more revealing things and pictures of me in more revealing things... well maybe not that part. But there came a time to share it out loud... reading straight from my journal in front of people so now it seems to be released. I could edit some, Cari and Erin could edit a lot, but I'll just post it and let it be whatever it needs to be to you.

September 12th from favorite Jill Bliss journal:
You are so good to bring crisp cool air just when things have gotten so heavy. Perfectly clear blue sky, bright and new, almost like You wiped everything away overnight and started all over again. Like there's not even a trace of yesterday's unbelievable length left in the sky or left in me for that matter. The leaves too...they've started to change. We didn't even have to wait or ask or wish for the first leaf to drop today perfectly floating taking whatever time it needed with no regard for the car coming or the wind that will take it on moments after a perfect landing.

I could go on with imagery of this leaf and time but what is really more significant in this moment is the fact that I didn't even know I needed fall this much until it came creeping up quickly, but sweetly to wrap its coolness around us for a long hello and a cup of coffee with pumpkin spice nonetheless. Then you dropped that leaf just to remind me not to miss this. The thing with the changing of the seasons is that we are forced to leave some things behind and move forward. There were some summer things I didn't quite finish. I only laid at the pool 2 times, only 2 snow cones and not enough long rides on long evenings. But there is no desire to mix snow cones with pumpkin spice lattes or to lay at the pool in long sleeves. It is over and it must be left in it's proper place....last season. This is a gentle but non-negotiable reminder for my heart and soul as well to leave last season there.

You tell me not to worry about forgetting it...it has marked me in a way that will last. You tell me that I will always be able to look closely and see the markings, possibly some places that didn't heal up perfectly smooth....as perfectly as I'd liked. So I trust that You marked me forever and scars are ways of you actually caring for me in ways I wouldn't have know how to care for myself.

So I take Your spirit that nudges to settle into fall, warm up to people, let the coffee linger and last and refill for $.25. Gather around, look, up, notice the leaves. Let them be a gentle, eternally rooted reminder of how life and seasons change and move and propel us on.

Trying to hope in the past will always be futile. I'm confident memory was made for an a anchor of sorts but that life was not meant to be lived at the bottom, in the dark. Life is on the boat, on the deck, in the sun and the rain and the wind where seasons matter and are given the opportunity to change and mark us in ways we have not the ability to humanly muster.

Oh, thank God- he's so good! His love never runs out... so thank God for his marvelous love, for his miracle mercy to the children he loves...If you are really wise, you'll think this over- it's time you appreciate God's deep love. Psalm 107

Sometimes you just have to....

Get up early to watch the sun, reflect, speak truth, uncover things, notice ....whether you like it or not.










Is it possible for the reflection of something to present a clearer image than the image itself? It seemed that way in some respects at this pond yesterday. And then it seemed that way even more as I listened to girls reflect on what they'd heard at Gathering Girls Breakaway. As somewhat expected, there was more clarity in the reflection than there was in the actual words that were heard. That's a really significant part of community. The reflection of things bouncing on and off of other people's lives or the Word or a tree or the sky or the heart of God absolutely brings clarity and deeper understanding.