Survival to Enough

It's been awhile since I've been here...here thinking about what I want to, not what I have to. That's where I've been the past couple weeks, in mental survival mode. I took for granted the season where my mind could go wherever which way seemed most fitting for the day or the coffee shop or the conversation or the blog. That season was when my job was different. There's been no room for reading or studying extra things or meandering around my head to see what may want to surface and connect with my heart... or the other way around. I've been in mental survival mode where the only things that get processed are what HAVE to be to keep me sane (relatively), productive, on time, competent, etc. I am a lot like my dad. So much sometimes it's creepy and annoying or unbelievably beautiful depending on the day. My mom said to me this week "you're just like your dad. As laid back as he can be, when he gets stressed he's wound tighter than a drum." As much as I wanted to drive to Oklahoma and kick my dad in the shins for passing on that trait, or maybe I wanted to kick God in the shins (I've wanted to do that),there was at least something comforting in the realization that it must have some merit somewhere at some juncture if God made 2 people who do it that way.

I have hope that the mental survival mode will pass, but I am still mustering up enough trust to not try to hurry along God's processes. If I'm not careful I become a slave to time and productivity and efficiency. I think in strategy/efficiency mode in all aspects of life not just the part of my job that requires it (and somehow resent it all the while). I loose sight and touch and feeling of a REALLY big God who has this efficiency thing figured out. It doesn't look like it from the Earth-side sometimes because the strategy of Heaven doesn't even fit on the scale of efficiency and strategy on Earth. It's not just that it's too big or grand to fit, it literally has no way of fitting in. It is not only a totally different scale, it's totally different measurements too. It's apples and oranges, or maybe more like microwaves and mountains. Comparing isn't even feasible. Strategy and efficiency in God's terms would be something like loving your neighbor as yourself or figuring out this life with Jesus thing with your whole heart, mind and soul. It would include dying to yourself and thinking of the good of others not just before but instead of your own. It's counter intuitive and presumably counter productive when compared to the Earth version of strategy and efficiency.

As right and good and repetitive for some as all that sounds....there's still potentially a tension that lies in the fact that Earth had deadlines and expectations and reviews and paychecks and people that call you 3 x in 16 hours because you weren't returning their phone call fast enough for something that could totally wait till Monday (and it is waiting). But it doesn't change that at the end of the day or the end of the week when I finally stop to think and regroup, that the Holy Spirit can help relieve some of that tension because of Jesus who lived in it for a time. That still doesn't feel totally concrete, but maybe it shouldn't. Even if there's not enough energy today to study or read or process or change the world, I am confident that just turning my heart's posture towards God will be enough as he is Enough in the biggest sense of the word. The Enough that takes care enough to fit perfectly to each of us, not the enough that just gets meets minimum expectation. I'll need to rename him Enough for now if you don't mind....

Perspective

I have been so wrapped up lately that I haven't read news like I usually do. Today I began to tackle the neglected Google Reader. There were over 1000 feeds of things I usually keep up with. I didn't read 1000 articles, blogs, or posts today, but I did make it to this about the flooding in Africa. Here are a few of their stories. I needed perspective outside of KC today and needed to be reminded not to forget. It reminds me of a sermon I heard recently where the pastor said: (paraphrased)

"most of us aren't disobedient because we're out to blatantly reject God; more often than not we are disobedient because we forget."

I guess it takes paying attention to remember well...

Leave It

I wonder how much wouldn't be committed to reality if it wasn't verbalized?

I know that verbalizing makes things more real, or possibly actually real. There is a lot we can get away with if it's never journaled or discussed with another. Generally the verbalizing route is a good way to operate, especially if there is any inkling of intentionality toward living closely and honestly with people/God. People have varying degrees of comfort and readiness for this sort of thing and that's both healthy and respectable for a myriad of reasons. But I wonder if the opposite is not true as well, that sometimes we verbalize things that don't need to actually be as real as we try to make them. Or maybe the better way of putting it is that by verbalizing something we give it more credit, more weight,or more significance than it deserves.

How much of the thought processes that we have just don't need to be given the time of day? Do we really always need to have a long, lengthy, drawn out discussion about things we wish we didn't feel or think or wish didn't bother us but do? Or could some of this just be left alone to find it's way out on it's own. Kind of like ignoring child who is pouting. Usually they get sick of pouting if it's ignored and find a better way. That may not be the perfect example, but it's close. I recognize this is a fine line both with children and feelings. I'm of course not advocating not verbalizing feelings, but can we stretch that to an unhealthy point where every feeling has to be named, verbalized, validated and dealt with through a long arduous process of self reflection? Recently as I was talking more to fill space than for the real need to process anything,I realized I was giving small things big space and heavy weight. They didn't need that. They needed to be fought against with truth, and then left to die alone. I decided some things are better off without attention. I soon found after deciding this, that it's much easier said than done. Sometimes I need the poetry and repetition and length of the raw feelings from Psalms, but other times I'm better off sticking closely to the clear, direct, raw and true words of the Proverbs to aid in diverting my attention from things that could grow but shouldn't. Here's a few of the Proverbs to which I have attempted to divert my attention:

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life.13:12

Fools make fun of guilt but the godly acknowledge it and seek reconciliation.14:9

A peaceful heart leads to a healthy body;jealousy is like a cancer in the bones 14:30

Gentle words are a tree of life; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.15:4

A wise person is hungry for knowledge, while the fool feeds on trash 15:14

Fear of the Lord teaches wisdom; humility precedes honor 15:33 (and chpt 2)

We can make our own plans, but the Lord gives the right answer 16:1

Get all the advice and instruction you can, so you will be wise the rest of your life. 19:20

Many will say they are loyal friends, but who can find one who is truly reliable? 20:6

The Lord directs our steps, so why try to understand everything else along the way? 20:24

The Lord's light penetrates the human spirit, exposing every hidden motive. 20:27

An honest answer is like a kiss of friendship 24:26

Best Week for Grapes.... Hurry!

It's true... This week is the peak for grapes. Go get some!!! But get red...more on that in a minute.

I forget that not everyone talks about nutrition stuff everyday, and I've had more nutrition questions than usual from friends lately. So,I'll throw in some random info every now and then. I'd be happy to answer more questions here too. I take for granted what I do sometimes.

Today I was refreshing my memory on all the benefits of Resveratrol. This is a compound found mostly in grapes and some in peanuts. It's actually in over 70 plants, but I don't recommend eating spruce or lilies. Besides heart disease and cancer, this compound is also strongly linked to decrease in Alzheimer's disease, stroke, hypertension, and improvement in lung health.

Red grapes are the most accessible source of Resveratrol...which means red wine is a good source too. It's in the skin of red ones and very little in green grapes. It's the resveratrol in red wine that makes it beneficial for heart health and one of the reasons the French have lower incidence of heart disease despite their generally high fat diet. It helps to keep the heart muscles flexible. It's also been shown that this compound which is actually a flavanoid prevented cancer in all 3 phases: initiation, promotion and progression.

Time out: I just realized I've been listening to the same song on repeat without realizing it for 1/2 hr. I'm so relieved that I'm not tired of Brooke Fraser...just tired of song 1. I was going to very sad if my time with her was coming to an end!

All of the above about grapes is pretty convincing even to me who's writing it, but the most important part of the flavanoids are their ability to decrease inflammation. The bottom line on all chronic diseases (heart disease, diabetes, fibromyalsia and a lot of gastrointestinal stuff)is inflammation. Our diets high in white sugar, white flour and saturated fat while low in anti-oxidants (flavanoids), whole grains and unsaturated fats are to blame.

Now, you just thought. "So if it tastes good spit it out," or "So you want me to eat tree bark and carrots?" Like I haven't heard that before! For majority of people the appropriate response here is... LAME! Stop whining. I eat plenty of processed food... in fact I fed people this past week lots of sugar--but if anyone notices, there was always fruit too! It all fits, just not as staples or in place of fruits and vegetables. And you can reduce the sugar, fat and sub 1/3 to 1/2 whole wheat flour in almost any recipe. I do it a lot. None of you have ever known the difference!

Really the ideas is very simple...eat real food. If majority of what you eat can sit on a shelf for 6 months and still be in perfect condition, that is actually a problem. It's great for manufactures but it's going to be the death of you. Real food spoils. Real food has to be touched and handled and may take some thought process or care.

One more thought about grapes... if you have the chance, buy them organic. It's one of the "dirty dozen," fruits and vegetables with the highest pesticide levels.

Go get grapes.

Mad Biking

I wish this post were about my mad biking skills... but it's not. It's about me being mad while riding my bike.

I wasn't mad at anything big, I just got my feelings hurt and was being a baby about getting over it. The bike ride started out PERFECTLY for being frustrated-thick clouds and strong wind that I was riding straight into. I was peddling and going so slow! The cadence on the Flight Deck was in the 90's but I was creeping.

So I'm riding thinking of how this season of life has felt a lot like this bike ride. Where I'm riding uphill, against the wind, working really hard at moving forward but feeling like I'm right where I started.... if not further back. (Then the Paula Abdul song about 2 steps forward and 1 step back came to my mind. I most definitely did a dance to that with my sister and neighbor that we performed for our neighbors. I think we were all wearing unitards.)

I digress.

So life that feels like this bike ride... It occurred to me that spiritual formation and character building just feels like that most of the time. It feels very different than what it is producing. It feels like it's building nothing and especially nothing beautiful. I feel more clumsy and selfish and immature the deeper I dig into the crevices of self reflection, self awareness and exploration. I had someone tell me once that they saw my life as a double black in the trees where I stand at the top not knowing how I would ever get down but knowing it would be an adventure not for the faint of heart. They were very excited about this vision of me, but I kind of wanted to hit them. Little did they know that I LOVE skiing but HATE mogles. I LOVE flying as fast as I can down smooth, well groomed blues. So this vision of my life left little to be desired on many levels.

But on my ride, I was reminded of it nonetheless and realized that building character, like the bike ride, feels like a double black, full of mogles, in the trees. Your legs get tired after about 10 feet and 3 mogles. You don't see anyone around for so long that the thought of dying in the trees alone actually crosses your mind. You try to get your jacket open for some fresh air only to realize you chose the mittens instead of gloves that day and CAN'T get your jacket open. Your hands that you thought worked well, were productive and useful for menial tasks like zipping are useless. You fall, not on a sweet jump, but with the tips of your skis stuck in the front of a mogle where you just sit for an awkward pause. Standing up has been such a simple, mindless task since about age 1, but at this juncture it takes thought, strategy, and the energy it expends is embarrassing. You finally get to the bottom only to realize, your friends (OK, really the boys who talked you into it then left you--that's not a spiritual connotation, just the reason I even have this imagery) have been at the bottom enjoying hot chocolate and telling everyone how stoked they are about double blacks. You get there, frustrated and tired still deciding if it was worth it.

I would love to say that now there's some amazing breakthrough, but this is the part where my skiing experience and my spiritual journey split and we go back to today's bike ride. I still can't ski double blacks.

But at points of clarity in the middle of spiritual seasons that parallel the double blacks, I find love and grace weave their way into riding up hill against the wind with a bad attitude. The way home? AMAZING sunset. The knowledge and reality of God's love pursuing me despite my efforts to act like I didn't desperately need that to be the outcome.

Maybe my life in the end will end up looking like a double black, in the trees. Maybe I'll get to ski some fast blues along the way. That's not up to me.

All I know today is a resounding YES to all pastors lately (UK, OKC, and KC) who are pushing those in their 20's towards building character and building into the hearts of others.

Shabbat

I'm reading a glorious book entitled The Sabbath by Abraham Joshua Heschel.

I share just some bits and pieces that hopefully will encourage you in Sabbath if you're already familiar or wet your appetite, making you hungry to feel what it's like to live in a time outside of the confines of space that only Sabbath...Shabbat can give. I have never known "time" to be so deep and thick and full as when it is outside of the other 6 days of the week and outside of what I've always known time to be...predetermined space between "things."

I am still learning Sabbath. And I am still having to consciously make choices about protecting Sabbath. Things still tug at me to cheapen or minimize it. There are still things about what it should look like about which I'm conflicted, but regardless, I'm learning to breathe in the time and space of Sabbath and I find myself longing and anticipating this "other" time.


The Architecture of Time
This picks up in the middle of a conversation about time and space.
"Time to us is sarcasm, a slick treacherous monster with a jaw like a furnace incinerating every moment of our lives. Shrinking, therefore, from facing time, we escape for shelter to things of space. The intentions we are unable to carry out we deposit in space; possessions become the symbols of our repressions, jubilees of frustrations. But things of space are not fireproof; they only add fuel to the flames. Is the joy of possessions an antidote to the terror of time which grows to be a dread of inevitable death?" He continues that "we are more harassed than supported by the Frankensteins of spatial things," and that "the higher goal of spiritual living is not to amass a wealth of information, but to face sacred moments...thus the essence of Sabbath is completely detached from the world of space."

A Place in Time
"Six days a week we wrestle with the world, wringing profit from the earth; on the Sabbath we especially care for the seeds of eternity planted in the soul. The world has our hands, but our soul belongs to Someone Else. Six days a week we seek to dominate the world, on the seventh day we try to dominate the self."

Careful...
"One cannot modify a precious filigree with a spear or operate on a brain with a plowshare. It must always be remembered that the Sabbath is not an occasion for diversion or frivolity...but an opportunity to mend our tattered lives; to collect rather than to dissipate time."

"Sanctify the Sabbath by choice meals, by beautiful garments; delight your soul with pleasure and I will reward you for this very pleasure."

"Time is like a wasteland. It has grandeur but no beauty. Its strange and frightful power is always feared but rarely cheered. Then we arrive at the seventh day, and the Sabbath is endowed with a felicity which enraptures the soul, which glides into our thoughts with a healing sympathy. It is a day on which hours do not oust one another...The difference between Sabbath and all other days is not to be noticed in the physical structure of things, in their spatial dimension. Things do not change on that day. There is only a difference in the dimension of time, in the relation of the universe to God. The Sabbath preceded creation and the Sabbath completed creation; it is all of the spirit that the world can bear."

That to say... Sabbath may take some wresting but, it is worth all the fighting of old hat and old habits that lie to us about why there are 7 days. Maybe it's just time to give in to it's grandeur because something in your soul desperately needs rest that perfecting all the other disciplines has not yet accomplished.

Sabbath quite literally is the "time" our souls were made to live in on 7th days.