Mad Biking

I wish this post were about my mad biking skills... but it's not. It's about me being mad while riding my bike.

I wasn't mad at anything big, I just got my feelings hurt and was being a baby about getting over it. The bike ride started out PERFECTLY for being frustrated-thick clouds and strong wind that I was riding straight into. I was peddling and going so slow! The cadence on the Flight Deck was in the 90's but I was creeping.

So I'm riding thinking of how this season of life has felt a lot like this bike ride. Where I'm riding uphill, against the wind, working really hard at moving forward but feeling like I'm right where I started.... if not further back. (Then the Paula Abdul song about 2 steps forward and 1 step back came to my mind. I most definitely did a dance to that with my sister and neighbor that we performed for our neighbors. I think we were all wearing unitards.)

I digress.

So life that feels like this bike ride... It occurred to me that spiritual formation and character building just feels like that most of the time. It feels very different than what it is producing. It feels like it's building nothing and especially nothing beautiful. I feel more clumsy and selfish and immature the deeper I dig into the crevices of self reflection, self awareness and exploration. I had someone tell me once that they saw my life as a double black in the trees where I stand at the top not knowing how I would ever get down but knowing it would be an adventure not for the faint of heart. They were very excited about this vision of me, but I kind of wanted to hit them. Little did they know that I LOVE skiing but HATE mogles. I LOVE flying as fast as I can down smooth, well groomed blues. So this vision of my life left little to be desired on many levels.

But on my ride, I was reminded of it nonetheless and realized that building character, like the bike ride, feels like a double black, full of mogles, in the trees. Your legs get tired after about 10 feet and 3 mogles. You don't see anyone around for so long that the thought of dying in the trees alone actually crosses your mind. You try to get your jacket open for some fresh air only to realize you chose the mittens instead of gloves that day and CAN'T get your jacket open. Your hands that you thought worked well, were productive and useful for menial tasks like zipping are useless. You fall, not on a sweet jump, but with the tips of your skis stuck in the front of a mogle where you just sit for an awkward pause. Standing up has been such a simple, mindless task since about age 1, but at this juncture it takes thought, strategy, and the energy it expends is embarrassing. You finally get to the bottom only to realize, your friends (OK, really the boys who talked you into it then left you--that's not a spiritual connotation, just the reason I even have this imagery) have been at the bottom enjoying hot chocolate and telling everyone how stoked they are about double blacks. You get there, frustrated and tired still deciding if it was worth it.

I would love to say that now there's some amazing breakthrough, but this is the part where my skiing experience and my spiritual journey split and we go back to today's bike ride. I still can't ski double blacks.

But at points of clarity in the middle of spiritual seasons that parallel the double blacks, I find love and grace weave their way into riding up hill against the wind with a bad attitude. The way home? AMAZING sunset. The knowledge and reality of God's love pursuing me despite my efforts to act like I didn't desperately need that to be the outcome.

Maybe my life in the end will end up looking like a double black, in the trees. Maybe I'll get to ski some fast blues along the way. That's not up to me.

All I know today is a resounding YES to all pastors lately (UK, OKC, and KC) who are pushing those in their 20's towards building character and building into the hearts of others.