Theology of Singleness

This post is coming to you with some reservation with the fear I would sound like a bitter single whose friends have all ditched her, but that's simply just not the case. I trust those who know me would vouch for me on that one. I would love to hear people's comments but understand it's a little bit of a sensitive topic. (you can always post anonymous). There could be many other clarifications or caveats to this post like how living in the Midwest informs things or how good or bad my married friends have done this, or if I would still right this the same if I were married, but I'm skipping all that b/c there's not time here and it's not the point. The point is to look at how all this may effect the ways we set up life with each other.

This all stems from a talk by Lauren Winner when she was at Jacob's Well about how the church is orienting around single and married life. She is married by the way.

The idea is that the church seems to place a higher value on married life than they do single life.
It's as if being single is simply the space between being legally adult (18) and being a real adult (married). It's seen as a means to an end or a necessary evil.

Lauren presents the case that as the church we tend to dismiss single people as not yet being totally grown up. You can hear it in the language used around 20's groups or her story of a girl in her late 20's seated at the kids table while her 24 year old married sister is seated with
the adults. We all (married or single) have plenty of our own stories we could tell.

But my reason for even posting this is that this idea may have much deeper implications than we realize.

Lauren says, "When we as the church ghettoize singleness and begin to privilege
one over another we are in effect the eye saying to the elbow take a hike I have no need for you."

She goes on to describe marriage and singleness as interwoven pages of the same novel to tell us different pieces of the story of life with God.
Then provides really great distinctions between the value of each but there's just not space here. You can listen to it to get the whole thing. But in brief:
Marriage:

• see the power of God's relentless and frankly reckless fidelity.
  
• she quotes someone "people must persevere in love b/c our community needs to see God's love actualized among God's people"
  

Singleness

• Jesus was single- he is our picture of life lived most fully- not a cute quip but really to get at the heart of something really radical of the Christian message--Identity.
• fundamental inheritance and identity comes from membership
  in the family of Christ Mark 3:31-34
  
• singleness in the church instructs us in true identity
• instructs us in creating and protecting an emptiness for God
• tutors us that our primary relationship with one another and perhaps our truest relationship is that of sibling and not of spouse. -Matthew 22:23-33
  

They need one another and neither call is better or holier than the other. Both are essential and both require renunciation and even suffering.

She then quotes an Eastern orthodox theologian discussing the renunciation and suffering of being "called" to be single or married or any other calling really.

"we should think of vocation as an invitation, a call from the friend. I accept it today in the contours of my present situation until the time when I may perhaps see more clearly. One's vocation is found exactly on the crest between necessity and creative freedom along the line of faith which reveals the direction as its free and strong confession grows. One's entire vocation, whether married or singleness, is an option. It is an answer to a call that has been heard. It can simply be the present condition. It is never a voice that clarifies everything. The dimness inherent in the life of faith never leaves us. There is one thing we can be sure of, that every vocation is accompanied by a renunciation. One who is married renounced monastic heroism. A monk renounced married life. The rich young man of the gospel is not invited either to marry or to enter a monastery. He had to renounce his wealth, his having, his preferences in order to follow the Lord. However in all cases of deprivation that scripture speaks of, grace offers a gift and out of a negative renunciation it creates a positive vocation."

In the end, it's not just about not making singles feel bad or including them (most would resent the shallow effort just for the sake of inclusion). It is potentially much more about how our language around single/married life affects not only kingdom life together, but possibly our theology as well.